


Locked On

by Hamliet



Series: In Shadows [1]
Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Dysfunctional Family, Family, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Reconciliation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-22
Updated: 2018-05-13
Packaged: 2019-04-26 08:18:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 34,563
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14398056
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hamliet/pseuds/Hamliet
Summary: When circumstances dictate Illumi take in his siblings, things don't go as planned. Killua runs away with Alluka multiple times a day, and when he isn’t running away he’s stashing fellow runaways in his room. Kalluto is a baby edgelord, Milluki is living in his brother’s basement, and Illumi might just have reconsider whether or not control is really what he wants.





	1. Vault

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! This first chapter is more like a prologue. It's taking place in a modern AU, and I want to warn that the first chapter contains some misgendering of Alluka in accordance with how Illumi, Silva, and Kikyo refer to Alluka in canon. That won't last very long, though.

"Illumi. We found him."

Illumi Zoldyck pressed his phone against his ear. His heart pounded. "You're certain?" Relief surged inside of him. He straightened, squinting. Sunlight poured through the window at Zoldyck Insurance, glittering against the marble floor like it was snow. Air conditioning poured around him, blowing away any trace of the summer's warmth.

"We're sure," chirped his mother's voice. Of course, she would be listening in. This was her son they were discussing. And his mother loved her children.

"Is he back home?" Illumi asked. "I'll come by right away." His fingers dug through his pocket, searching for his keys. He wanted to see Killua, see that he was safe on his parents' couch, under their roof, rather than wandering the streets.

"Not yet." His father again now, voice strong and secure. "The police called. They have him."

"The police?" Illumi repeated. He pressed his fist against the glass of the window, suit itchy against the back of his neck. Killua got himself picked up by the  _police_  this time? Illumi would have to talk to him. Again. Explain that he couldn't be doing this, not when their father was about to run for office, not when they—the Zoldycks—always held onto each other, protected each other as a family, and Killua was the brightest and a star pupil, the perfect son to advertise just how well the Zoldyck family was doing. Killua was young still, only fourteen. He didn't understand, but he would. Illumi just needed to explain it to him. Maybe being picked up by the police would be a sharp wakeup call for him.

"Indeed." His father sighed. "He's my son. Headstrong."

Illumi swallowed. "Well, I'll be over shortly."

His father hung up. Illumi checked his watch and pressed his lips together. Time for a quick work meeting, and then he could leave. Not that this meeting would take very long. He already knew what he would say. Appeal denied. Insurance not coming through. They'd be crushed of course, they were an elderly couple, but Illumi didn't have room to consider that. They were a liability for the insurance company. And he wasn't going to listen to begging. Not today. Not that he ever did.

His phone lit up.  _The cops have your brother._

 _I'm aware_ , Illumi replied to Hisoka.

 _He offered to go with the cops so the other runaways he was with could escape,_ Hisoka added.  _It was quite the interesting scene_.

Illumi did a double take. He blinked. Killia did  _what?_

That wasn't the Killua he knew. He should have run, and run home. Then again, he shouldn't have left in the first place. Illumi thought of his mother's face. Killua had struck her, and Milluki, when they tried to stop him from leaving.

" _Teenage rebellion," Mother had said, wiping her eyes. "He'll be strong, a good leader for the company after he graduates."_

Killua was strong, and intelligent. His IQ was second in the family, behind only to Father's. Illumi hoped to mentor Killua during his summer internships at the company. Illumi had shadowed his father during his days as a high school student, preparing him for his eventual employment when he graduated college.

Illumi let the couple down as quickly as he could, and then excused himself as they cried and clutched each other. He headed out. "Make sure they leave right away," he told Canary, the secretary. She nodded. He had no time to spend on simpering idiots, pretending to care.

Father had texted to pick Killua up the police station because something was holding them up. Illumi drove there, hoping that Killua would be released soon. Unless they were charging him with a crime? Well, a bribe could take care of that.

The police station was a squat brick building. Sunlight burned against his black jacket. Illumi strode inside, heading up to the front desk. "I'm here for my brother."

"Name?" asked the woman, bored. She snapped a piece of gum in her mouth. A man with a cross tattooed on his forehead shifted in the background. Illumi's eyes caught his. Chrollo Lucilfer. They went to college together, and nowadays they collaborated on press releases sometimes, since Chrollo ran an underground newspaper. Chrollo nodded at him. Illumi wondered whose misfortune Chrollo was about to pounce on. He didn't have time to care.

"Illumi Zoldyck. My brother's Killua Zoldyck."

"Oh right," said the woman. She pushed her glasses back up her nose. "The runaway."

"The son of Silva Zoldyck," said Illumi. "A prestigious legacy."

"Still a runaway."

Illumi wished he could stab a needle through her stubborn skull.

"Anyways," she said, swallowing her gum like some kind of classless trash. "You can see him, but you can't take him with you. You're not his legal guardian and the cops wanna speak with them."

Illumi's brow furrowed. "Excuse me?" He was twenty-four, an adult. He should be able to sign Killua out. "Is he being charged with anything?" If Killua had broken into a place, that would show ruthlessness, a desire to survive at all costs, resourcefulness. Though it would be hard to cover up. Chrollo lingered in the background. His paper would surely love to cover this, except that he had to be aware that Illumi would destroy him if he did.

"No," said the woman, blowing out her breath. "But you're still not his legal guardian, and I'm afraid I can't tell you anything else until they get here and they decide to share with you, so if you please, sir, take a seat."

Illumi clenched his jaw. He'd see to it that this bitch's life was hell soon enough. He sat in one of the uncomfortable plastic chairs that seemed designed to jab into the relatives of criminals and make them squirm under the weight of their loved ones' crimes. The walls, a sickly green, pressed in. He sighed. He could wait. He was accustomed to waiting.

"Mr. Zoldyck?" called an officer from down the hall. "You can see your brother now."

 _Why are you treating him like he's a criminal_? Illumi could throw these cops against the wall if he wanted to. He watched Hisoka wrestle for a living and worked out with the man.

Illumi's shoes clacked against the tiled floor. The lights flickered as they led him to a small room in the back, one of those interrogation rooms with a mirror on the other side. Killua sat with his forehead pressed against the simple wooden table, almost as if he was asleep, but Illumi knew Killua too well for that. His brother would be awake, listening, observing.

"Your brother's here," announced the cop.

"Tell him to go away," mumbled Killua without lifting his face. "I don't want to see him."

"Really, Kil? That's quite cruel," Illumi said, stepping into the room. Killua's head snapped up. "What, were you expecting Milluki?"

"To leave the house? I'm not that stupid."

"You're not stupid at all," Illumi clarified. He swept his long hair to the side and took the seat across from Killua. "I hate seeing you here. It looks like you're in prison. You're better than this."

Killua cocked his head. "The guards here are nicer than our parents."

Illumi opted to ignore that comment. "We were all terribly concerned for you. You have—"

Killua swallowed and leaned back in his chair, crossing his arms. "I'm not going back."

Illumi rolled his eyes. "Yes, you are, Kil. Don't be ridiculous." He remembered Killua as a child. He was the one who tutored him, helped him practice running and sports.  _Get back up,_ he'd always say, like Father used to say to him, and Killua would obey.

Killua arched his eyebrows. "Nope. Don't think so."

"Well, I'll take you back to them."

"Excuse me," interjected the cop, twisting his hat in his hands. "Silva and Kikyo Zoldyck are actually here, right now."

"Are they?" Illumi glanced at Killua. Soon, he would be home. Under their roof. Studying, because Killua was homeschooled and none of the Zoldycks got summer breaks. They had too much potential for the public schools.

"They've been here for some time," the cop clarified. The lights suddenly seemed too bright for Illumi. "We're asking them some questions and have sent an investigative team to the Zoldyck residence."

Killua smiled.

Illumi blinked and folded his arms. "I don't understand."

"Look," said the cop. "You're out of the house, right? An adult?"

"Yes, I'm twenty-four." Illumi wanted to pry whatever this bumbling idiot wanted to say from his throat. Though the truth was he only moved out a year ago and visited his parents more often than not for dinners and lunches and breakfasts. Business. He and his father worked together.

"Your parents are under investigation for criminal child abuse and neglect."

It was not easy to surprise Illumi, but in this moment words deserted him. A lesser man's mouth would have fallen open.

"Alluka," said Killua. "She lives in the basement behind a locked door and I'm only allowed to see her once a week. Kalluto hasn't seen her in years and neither have you, Illumi."

Alluka was… Illumi shook his head. "Killua—" There were things Killua didn't understand. Alluka was dangerous. Alluka was a liability.

"We've sent investigators over to the house," stated the cop. "If we find what Killua here says, well, I don't think your parents will be taking Killua anywhere today."

Illumi turned to Killua, who glared up at him, eyes like steel. Killua  _did_  always seem close to Alluka, the only one who made a point to visit the kid, and Alluka seemed to be stable in Killua's presence.

What Illumi would give for Killua to be stable in his presence. When Killua was a baby, he had colic, and Illumi used to be the only one who could get him to stop crying when his mother was exhausted, Father had work the next morning, and Milluki used to clamp his hands over his ears and howl about making that baby shut up.

 _I'll make it like that again,_ Illumi promised himself, promised Killua. No matter what. This wouldn't split their family apart.

* * *

"That sounds pretty complicated," Hisoka observed.

"Well, it's not," said Illumi, slipping onto the stained stool in this sketchy bar. The police were taking forever. They finally kicked him out of that room with Killua, and he got tired of spending two hours sitting in the waiting area playing  _how many security cameras are hidden in this room?_

Hisoka shrugged. Bass music pulsated through the bar, sending the seats shuddering underneath them. "Want a beer?"

"Not particularly," said Illumi, leaning forward and resting his elbows on the bar. Something sticky grabbed at his wrist. Gum, stuck to the bar. He ignored it. "Killua thinks Alluka can be controlled. He can't."

"I don't even know who this Alluka is, but it better be interesting," said Hisoka. He snatched a beer and tilted it towards his mouth. Illumi had texted him asking to meet up, but Hisoka seemed bored.

"He's my… other brother," said Illumi. "He's got some kind of disorder. My parents keep him locked away. He can change on a dime, go from sweet and wanting to play with dolls to trying to carve out your liver. He truly did try to stab a butler with a knife once."

Hisoka cocked his head, rubbing his chin. "Well,  _that's_  interesting." His lips curved. Even though he wasn't fighting today, he had his clownlike makeup perfectly applied and his hair swept up in gel. The seediness of this place was his only protection from being recognized. If he didn't want to be recognized, and Illumi doubted that. "And somewhat terrifying."

Killua still had a child's naivete clinging to him in some way. Illumi wanted to scrub those cobwebs off like he could never scrub it off Milluki. Milluki's only life goal was in being a gamer who got enough work done to fit in with the family and defeating the next level on his video game. But his parents didn't give him Milluki. They gave him Killua, because Mom was busy with Milluki, and then with Alluka before Alluka lost his mind and turned into some sort of devil spawn, and Kalluto. It was Illumi who watched Killua take his first steps. Towards Illumi.

"We don't interact much with Alluka. He could try to kill us," said Illumi. "But Alluka likes Killua well enough." Really, he couldn't understand why Killua liked laughing with Alluka but looked at Illumi in like he was gum stuck to the bottom of his shoe.

"Who doesn't?"

Illumi nodded vigorously. "True."

Hisoka leaned forward. "By the way. I should mention. I heard that Killua was hanging out with a certain group of—well, let's call them other runaways. One of whom is the son of one of your dad's political rivals."

Illumi raised his eyebrows. "I'm listening."

"That's all I'll tell you," said Hisoka, finishing his drink and pushing his chair back. "Try to get it out of Killua, if you can."

"I will," Illumi vowed. This would be good. None of Dad's rivals had kids that he knew of. A little questioning, a few hours spent digging, and he'd have gold. Ensuring the Zoldyck family prestige yet again.

That is, presuming Chrollo Lucilfer didn't write a nonsensical article about them showing up at the station. Illumi wouldn't let him. All it would take is a certain price, not that Chrollo was stupid enough to do it anyways, but he would be smart enough to ask for money. Illumi was more than able to pay. He patted his pocket as he got up. Surely all of this would be taken care of and he could talk to Killua tonight, explain to him the good in his actions, the strength, and how he had to consider the family more. Telling him about this son would be the perfect place to begin.

"So why exactly did you want to meet again?" Illumi asked.

"To tell you about that kid." Hisoka shrugged. "When you're in a good mood you're easier to beat at sparring." He clapped Illumi on the shoulder as he stalked off, pushing his way out the door. Illumi caught a glimpse of a smirk.

"Hey!" Illumi yelled. But Hisoka didn't turn around. He heaved a sigh, drumming his fingers against the bar.

"Excuse me, sir?" asked the bartender. "Your bill."

"But I didn't—" Illumi stopped himself.  _Really, Hisoka? You stiffed me?_  He was hardly surprised. Illumi handed over his credit card and then headed back to the police station.

The moment Illumi pushed open the door, he found a chaotic scene erupting. Killua knelt on the grimy carpet, embracing Alluka. In one of those uncomfortable chairs Kalluto slouched over, legs dangling over the arm, his own arms crossed and his lip protruding in a scowl. He glared up at Illumi when he entered.

"Mr. Zoldyck," said the woman, rising. She tugged at her blond pigtails. "You have to come with us, for questioning."

"What?" Illumi didn't comprehend.

"Your sister was found in the vault exactly like Killua said."

 _My sister?_  Oh right. Illumi glanced at Alluka. He was dressed like a girl today. Or was he a girl today? Illumi didn't really pay attention. "Why would I need to be questioned?" he asked.

"Relax," said the woman. "I'm Biscuit Krueger."

 _That sounds like a name that fits,_  Illumi decided. "Fine."

They hadn't taken more than a few steps down the hallway when he spotted his parents. Mom was sobbing, begging to be able to see Kalluto and Killua. "He was away for almost a week and you won't even let me see him!"

"Mom?" Illumi called out. He took a step in her direction and hesitated. Was this what she would want? Did she want him? Did she want assurance?

She looked up, tears streaming down her face. "Illumi! They think—they think—we—I—"

"You were abusing your child, ma'am," snapped Biscuit. "The evidence is right there."

"Oh, but Alluka has—"

"I don't give a damn."

"Illumi?"

And out of the corner of his eye, he spotted his father, being led. Not in handcuffs, not yet, but with a somber look on his face. He caught Illumi's gaze. And almost imperceptibly, he shook his head.

 _Understood_. Illumi swallowed. He wasn't sure what his father's plan was, but he was sure the man had one. He always had one. And above all else, Illumi trusted his father. The man had never steered him wrong.

Biscuit Krueger slammed the door to an interrogation room shut. "Did you know they were keeping Alluka Zoldyck locked up like that?" demanded Biscuit.

"No."

"When did you move out?"

"For college. Six years ago. Alluka was out and about then. Threatening to cut out livers."

The questions went on and on. Sweat prickled the back of Illumi's neck. He didn't know whether what he was saying was right or wrong. No, it was right. It had to be. He was speaking from his heart, his heart that was full of his family.

"Mr. Zoldyck," said Biscuit Krueger. "I'll be honest with you. The district attorney's filed a child protection order. Your parents are going to lose custody of Killua, Alluka, and Kalluto, at least until the investigation is complete."

 _What?_  Illumi fought to keep his breath from bursting out of his mouth. His jaw ached from clenching it in order to keep his face blank. He'd never seen his father facing any sort of loss and it flipped his stomach over, nauseating him. It just wasn't right. His father always won. Always.

"Our policy is to place children with relatives when at all possible," Biscuit continued. "Your grandfather also lives in that house, so he is not an option since he presumably knew, though we haven't interviewed him yet."

Illumi swallowed.

"You are the adult closest to the family who wasn't living in that house, and nothing your siblings have said directly implicates you."

Illumi frowned. "What are you saying?"

"Do you live in a house that would allow you to take in your siblings? Because if you want custody, at least for the duration of the investigation, you would certainly be granted it."

Illumi's eyes widened. "I'd be happy to." The idea of having Killua under his roof-Illumi could get through to him then. He knew he could. It'd be like the old days.

"Great. I'll make a note of that." Biscuit got to her feet. "And just so you know, Mr. Zoldyck: child protective services will definitely be checking up on you. If I see any harm coming to that child—to  _any_  of them—I will personally see to it that you pay." Her eyes sparked.

Illumi blinked. "I would never hurt them. They're my family," he insisted. Alluka wasn't really. At least he didn't think of Alluka that way. Someone who was a part of their family wouldn't risk harming another Zoldyck, and Alluka would harm them without a second thought. But Killua and Kalluto were his brothers.

Biscuit kept her eyes trained on him as if she didn't believe him. Illumi followed her back out into the waiting room, where Killua sat on the floor playing Shiratori with Alluka, who giggled and giggled. Kalluto slumped in a chair flipping through a celebrity magazine.

"Hey kids," said Biscuit. "Your parents are going to have to—you're not going to be able to go home with them tonight."

Kalluto sat up straight, jaw falling open. "Why not?"

"Your parents are under investigation."

"Because of it?" demanded Kalluto, jerking his thumb towards Alluka.

Alluka's lip trembled.

"Shut up!" Killua ordered. Kalluto flinched. Killua grabbed Alluka in a hug.

"Is it my fault? Onii-chan, if I wasn't here, would everyone be getting along?"

 _Yes_ , Illumi thought.

Killua's hands gripped Alluka's shoulders. He met Alluka's eyes. "It is  _not_  your fault. You being here makes me happy."

Alluka's hands clapped, and the kid threw his arms around Killua's neck.

"So you're going to stay with your brother," added Biscuit.

"Which one?" groused Kalluto, flopping over like a dead fish.

"Put your feet down, Kalluto," Illumi ordered. "Me, of course." Milluki taking care of any of these kids? He couldn't imagine. Milluki would make them microwave popcorn for dinner.

Killua's face drained. He clung to Alluka, gaze fixating on Illumi. Illumi beamed. Killua's mouth formed a word Illumi knew that Killua shouldn't be saying yet, but he wasn't going to correct him in front of everyone else just yet. " _Fuck."_

"You said a bad word!" gasped Alluka.

"I'm sorry," Killua insisted, but the look in his eyes told Illumi otherwise. That was okay. It would all work out. Killua would surely see soon enough how much Illumi-

"I'll say it again and again," said Kalluto, tugging his knees to his chest again. "It's Milluki's favorite word anyways. Fuck, fuck, fuck—"

"Okay, okay. enough," Illumi interrupted. "Kalluto, hush."

Biscuit arched her eyebrows. "Good luck."


	2. Guests

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! I will be updating Tues-Thurs-Sunday for this fic! (It's all written out.)

Killua wrapped his arms around Alluka as they crammed into the backseat. Kalluto swung himself into the passenger seat, lip poking out as if he'd eaten an entire lemon.

"Killua, you should sit up front," Illumi said, folding his hands as he climbed into the driver's seat. "Since you're the oldest."

"No," said Killua, arms still around Alluka. "I don't want to."

Illumi sighed. So Killua was still trying to be difficult. Teenage angst. How immature and unoriginal. Alluka leaned forward, head slumping as if he had decided to just fall asleep right then and there. Illumi bit the inside of his cheeks and exhaled. "Killua, you will have the room across from mine. Kalluto and Alluka will share the—"

"No," said Killua. "Alluka can have that room. It's smaller but she is a girl and she needs her privacy and Kalluto and I don't!"

"Speak for yourself," groused Kalluto, pressing his forehead against the window.

"Buckle your seatbelt," Illumi ordered, watching as Killua buckled a sleepy Alluka in. Alluka was almost thirteen; why couldn't the kid do things for himself?

"No," said Kalluto.

Illumi reached across him and yanked the buckle for him. "Don't attempt to backtalk me, Kalluto. I assure you rules are still rules. Killua—"

"Call Alluka a girl and by the correct pronouns or I swear to God I'm going back in there and telling them locking her up was all your idea," Killua drawled. Alluka's head rested on his shoulder.

It wasn't. Not entirely. Illumi gripped the steering wheel. The locked room was Dad's idea. He was just trying to protect the family. They all were. But Killua had a taste of power then and was using it. Good. Though he needed to learn how to not leverage it against family. That was the first rule.

Illumi drove in silence. The sound of the three of them and Alluka breathing set Illumi's heart beating fast. He had all his siblings under his roof. Killua. This was like a gift from heaven. He pulled up at his house and smiled. Everything would work out. Within a week, Killua would—

"Hey! Illumi! Look out!" shouted Killua.

Illumi slammed on the brakes. The tires squealed. Killua threw his arm in front of Alluka to keep her from falling forward. Alluka cried out. Kalluto yelped. "Idiot!"

"This is why I told you to wear your seatbelt," Illumi replied. He squinted. A dark figure stood in front of the driveway. Illumi gaped at the figure, who raised his hand.

_Milluki._

_Move!_  Illumi flapped his hand. His brother could really be such a—

Milluki stepped to the side. Illumi pulled into the driveway. He slammed the car door. "Milluki, you—"

"Hi," said Milluki, lifting a large black duffel bag. Wires protruded from the zipper. "Mom and Dad said you weren't coming back and they needed some time by themselves."

Illumi's brow furrowed. "They—"

"You have a basement couch," Miluki reminded him, pushing past. "I helped you set it up."

Milluki actually simply dragged the boxes into the basement and then sat down moaning about how he must have thrown his back out. Illumi inhaled. The pine-scented air, cold, cut at his windpipe. Milluki  _was_  family. Illumi gestured for him to follow.

"If you try anything," Killua warned Milluki, Alluka clinging to him. "I swear I will punch your pig face again."

"Illumi, he's threatening me."

Illumi dug for his keys. "Milluki, you punched your fair share of—"

"But—"

"Stop," Illumi told Milluki. Why couldn't he see that Killua didn't need that kind of whining right now? Milluki should put the family first, too. Illumi twisted the keys, unlocking the door.

"This place is unbearably plain," complained Kalluto when lllumi switched on the lights. The walls were largely bare, a pale beige. The black leather sofa sat in the center of the living room, with a TV Illumi had never turned on but that he was sure Milluki would use at least fourteen hours a day.

Killua lifted Alluka up and carried her up the stairs. He gave Illumi a scowl when Illumi tried to follow.

 _That's not a way to treat your loved one, Killua. It's rude._ Illumi sighed. He had never been so difficult as a child. Illumi ducked into his own room. He sent his parents a text message. The police told him he was not to allow either his mother or his father to have any contact whatsoever with Alluka, Killua, or Kalluto. Surely within days his siblings would be missing their mother. Illumi sat on the edge of his bed, neatly made because he slept on the couch more often than he slept in his bed.

" _Father, look!" Illumi shouted, age fourteen. "Look at what Killua did!" He spun the math sheet around. He had spent the afternoon explaining algebra to Killua, and Killua_ understood  _it all._

_Killua giggled, and Illumi beamed down at him._

He could help Kil study again. Illumi pressed his fingertips together. There was no one he loved more in the world than Killua. His father told him he was supposed to look after him the day Killua was born. He would protect Killua at all costs, train him, ensure he grow up to maximize all of his potential.

"This is all your fault!" erupted a voice.

Illumi jolted to his feet.

Alluka shrieked.

Kalluto stood on the staircase, pointing an angry finger at Killua. Alluka huddled in her doorway. "Mother and Father—just because you didn't want to come home—so now  _none_  of us can?"

"That wasn't part of the plan," Killua retorted, crossing his arms. "You think it was just fine for Alluka to be locked up like—"

Alluka clamped her hands over her ears.

"So you only think about Alluka?" yelled Kalluto. "What about us, Killua? What about me, what I want and—"

"Stop yelling," said Illumi. "It's unseemly for brothers to—"

"It's  _unseemly_  for family to lock their sister away!" shot back Killua. He grabbed Alluka. "Don't worry, Illumi's just being a bitch again." The door slammed in Illumi's face.

"Killua!" Illumi stood knocking outside Alluka's door. He jiggled the handle. Locked.

"He took the extra key inside with him," Kalluto offered. Alluka's sobs filled the house. And more tears. Illumi turned.

Kalluto sat on the top step, tears running down his face. Illumi turned to him and held out his hand. Kalluto took it, still sniffling.

"You should get ready for bed," Illumi said. Kalluto scowled but scuttled into the bathroom, obeying. Illumi didn't hear a peep from Milluki and decided that was probably a good thing.

He lay on his bed, on top of the covers, mind churning and churning. He had to arrange for food somehow. He didn't much like cooking, and Killua should only have the best. Illumi pulled out his phone and texted Hisoka.

_Where do I get breakfast food?_

_Did you finally bring a special someone back with you?_  responded Hisoka.  _Tell me you actually texting about groceries during sex. That would be very you._

 _My brother's staying over with me_.

 _Sure he is_ , responded Hisoka.  _Also google exists._

 _I was hoping you would have suggestions,_  Illumi typed.

_I didn't know food turned you on. Is mystery person that unenjoyable?_

Illumi's face burned.

_Here are some restaurants. Now focus._

Illumi did not bother to thank him. He selected one and forwarded the details to Canary, ordering it to be delivered at seven sharp. He lay awake, squeezing his eyes shut, opening them to count the dots swirling in front of his eyes over the darkened ceiling. The clock ticked and tocked. With each tick a new thought tapped into Illumi's mind and with each tock another pushed it away. He really could use this time to stoke Killua's love for him, his desire to take over the family business. Illumi wasn't suited for it. Killua's temperament, his innate talents, had settled that question from birth.

His eyes started to close at last. His breaths echoed deep.

A scream erupted. Illumi jumped to his feet, sleep vanishing. He thrust the door open and found Killua barging up the stairs. "Alluka!"

"What is—"

"She's having a nightmare!" Killua pushed open the door. He grabbed Alluka, thrashing in her bed. "Shh, Alluka. Calm down. It was just a dream."

Illumi stood in the doorway, arms crossed. He remembered his mother fretting over Alluka's nightmares. One time she sleepwalked and almost stabbed their mother. "Maybe I should lock the door."

"No," snapped Killua.

"This place is weird," sobbed Alluka. "I don't know—I woke up and I didn't know—I miss my dolls."

"It's okay," Killua kept saying again and again.

When Killua had a bad dream or two as a child, Illumi did exactly what his parents wanted him to. He let him cry it out. It taught resiliency. "Kil—"

"Would you just go  _away_  already?" Killua snapped. "You're not helping, Illumi. She's afraid of you."

Illumi pressed his lips together. Killua patted Alluka on the head, whispering a story to her. It had a disappointing lack of death and blood. In fact, it ended with them happy ever after and Alluka fast asleep.

Killua extracted himself from Alluka and pulled the covers over her. He curled up on the floor. "Kalluto will kill me if I wake him up again."

"I'll get you a blanket," said Illumi.

"Don't bother. It's warm."

"I'm trying to help you, Kil—"

"No," said Killua. "You're not."

He's just learning how to do things on his own, Illumi told himself. Resiliency. Instead of relying on others. He turned and walked into his room, grabbing a blanket and an extra pillow. He placed them on the floor next to Killua, who was pretending to be asleep. His breathing was too quick for someone who was asleep.  _You have to be better at faking these things, Kil._

Illumi closed the door behind him. Killua would be grateful and take the blanket then, he was sure. He retreated to his room and listened. Not a sound from Kalluto or even from Milluki. Illumi waited, wondering if Alluka would scream herself awake again. She did not.

His alarm went off early in the morning, when Illumi was only just dozing. He scrambled up, noting the sunshine bleeding onto the wooden floors. The doorbell rang and he hauled himself down the stairs. He flung open the door, expecting to see a delivery boy or maybe Canary herself.

Instead, Hisoka stood there, a grin on his face. "Morning."

"What are you doing here?" asked Illumi.

Hisoka ran his free hand over his red hair, gelled within an inch of its life. His other arm held a brown bag that smelled like pancakes. "I interrupted the delivery girl and got these for you. I want to meet your lover and see what kind of person is actually your type."

Illumi sniffed. "I don't have a type."

Hisoka smirked and pushed his way inside. Illumi huffed but shut the door.

"Illumi?" asked a sleepy voice. Illumi turned. Kalluto stood in his doorway, in pajamas and with his hair mussed, rubbing sleep out of his eyes. "What's going on?"

"Get up," Illumi told him. "Breakfast is here."

"Killua left."

"No, he went to sleep in Alluka's room."

Kalluto's lips turned down. Hisoka's eyebrows shot up. His lips trembled as if he was barely repressing a laugh.

"I'll go wake him up," Kalluto stated. He dragged his hand through his bobbed hair, smoothing it. He stalked up the steps, each step clomping louder and louder.

Hisoka sat down on a stool across the island. His shoulders shook as if he could barely contain himself.

"Stop," ordered Illumi, unpacking. He measured coffee and dumped it into the coffee maker, the one he rarely used because he preferred to pick it up at work. "My parents lost custody. Temporarily. So they're all staying with me."

"I never really pictured you as the Mr. Mom type," Hisoka mused, rubbing his chin. "How disappointing."

"That is not what this is," Illumi replied. "This is my chance to have Killua back under my control again, hone his business instincts and devotion to our family." He pressed the button. The coffee machine gurgled and whirred.

"Is it pancakes? Please tell me it's pancakes and that you didn't make them because I'm not sure you're above putting a needle in it to test our alertness to our surroundings," complained Milluki, stumbling into the kitchen.

Hisoka pursed his lips, eyebrows raised high.

"The hell are you?" asked Milluki.

"Pardon my brother; he lives under a rock," said Illumi. "Milluki, Hisoka is—"

Killua staggered down the stairs, hair mussed and pulling Alluka by her hand. Alluka let out a gasp, hiding behind Killua. She peered out at Hisoka, who frowned at her. Alluka clamped her hands over her eyes and peeked through her fingers. "The clown's still there, Killua."

"He's real," Killua assured her.

Hisoka's frown deepened.

"Oh." Alluka hopped in place. Milluki grabbed a box and started piling pancakes onto a plate, disappearing down the stairs. Killua stood and handed a plate to Alluka, to Kalluto.

Alluka plopped down on the floor, nightgown billowing around her. Her hair stuck out in tangles.

"Alluka, eat at the table," said Illumi.

Alluka shook her head, pulling a pancake apart with her fingers. "I don't know how."

Killua glowered at Illumi, sliding off his chair and sitting on the floor across from Alluka. Kalluto's face dissolved into a scowl. He clutched his fork hard enough to leave a mark on his palm.

Illumi poured himself a cup of coffee. Black, and strong. He passed Hisoka one. Hisoka mumbled something that sounded a lot like  _Mr. Mom_. Illumi contemplated spilling the boiling brew onto Hisoka's fingers. It'd be more trouble than it'd be worth. Besides, Hisoka was here because he wanted something, Illumi was under no illusions about that. But what was the question.

"Why do you wear makeup?" Alluka asked Hisoka.

"Alluka, don't ask him questions—" Killua started.

"But I want to, Onii-chan," Alluka protested. She seemed so much younger than thirteen.

"I have many questions myself," muttered Hisoka. Illumi gulped the coffee. It burned his throat, singing his belly. He didn't care.

His phone rang. His parents. Illumi gestured that he was taking the call. Hisoka's jaw dropped as Alluka came closer. "Why is your hair standing up straight? It looks funny."

"You're stupid," said Kalluto.

"Apologize!" Killua ordered.

Hisoka drummed his fingers on the counter as he watched Illumi's siblings prepare to tear each other apart.

"Hello, Mother," Illumi said, ducking out of the kitchen and into the living room. He sat on the couch, leaning forward. "I was hoping you would call. I won't be into work today, but I'll work from home—the officer told me it was best—"

"Oh thank God, Illumi!" cried Mother's voice. "You—you saved us—I was so worried they would—ruin everything—" Her voice dissolved into sobs, hiccups bursting through.

"What happened, Mother?" Illumi asked. He pressed the back of his hand against his mouth. "I—"

"Illumi." His father's voice took over, strong as ever. Illumi relaxed, shoulders stiffening like always. It felt familiar. "Good job taking them in."

"I can't believe Killua would—" Mother started. "I know it's good that he's so cold as to do this—it bodes well for him taking over the family business—but I miss—"

"I'll fix it, Mother," Illumi assured her. "Do not worry. Killua's under my roof now."

"With that  _thing_." Vitriol saturated her voice, braiding through her tone. Alluka giggled in the kitchen.

"I'll make sure word doesn't get out," Illumi said. "You have my word."

"I know." She sniffled. "You've always been reliable."

" _You'll help train him," Father told Illumi, hand squeezing a ten-year-old Illumi's shoulder as Illumi held his baby brother. "Like I've trained you."_

_Illumi squinted at his brother's face, his big eyes, his head full of white tufts of hair. "He looks like you, Father." He managed a smile. Killua squirmed in his arms._

" _Hmph." Father nodded. Killua whimpered. "If he cries, don't indulge him."_

" _I won't," Illumi insisted. With Milluki, Mother used to be able to indulge him, giving him what he wanted whenever he wanted, so long as he sat for basic lessons. Illumi got nothing he wanted, but everything he needed. He was already three grades ahead in school. He'd make sure Killua was the same, and that he knew that obeying was making Illumi happy._

_The baby reached up, tugging Illumi's long hair and stuffing it into his mouth. Illumi smiled._

" _Cut your hair," Father added. "You don't take care of it well enough to have it long yet."_

Illumi's wrists tingled and he wasn't certain why. "It's my duty." His hair, long again now, sat heavy on the back of his neck.

Laughter exploded from the kitchen.

"What's that?" asked his mother.

"Probably—"

"It doesn't matter," said his father. "Illumi, send us a report at the end of each day. I'll send you my new email address. They can't trace it. Reply and then delete."

"I will." Illumi hung up, meandering back into the kitchen. Hisoka reached behind Alluka's ears, pulling out a coin. Alluka put her hands on her hips as if trying to figure out how he did that.

"He kept it in his sleeves," said Illumi.

"He doesn't believe in magic. How tragic," Hisoka retorted.

Alluka tilted her head to the side, studying him. Illumi did not like it. Alluka was still something not to be trusted.

"Alluka," said Killua. "We have to get ready, Alluka."

"For what?" Illumi demanded, grabbing his coffee mug. Hisoka tossed the coin up in the air. It flickered in the light.

"I'm taking Alluka to meet my friends," said Killua.

Illumi blinked. He set the mug down. It sloshed onto his fingers. "Killua. You don't have friends."

Hisoka snickered.

Killua's eyes bulged out. "I do too!"

"No," said Illumi, approaching and reaching for his brother. "You don't. The only ones you have are us. The Zoldycks. Your family."

Hisoka inched towards the door, mug still in hand. Illumi gestured for him to put it down. Killua's jaw worked as he stared at Illumi, swallowing hard. Alluka clamped her mouth down on her fist.

"You don't have friends," Illumi repeated. "That's just a delusion you tell yourself. You're not like other kids. You're special. You're better. You don't need them dragging you down. We're here to help lift you up." He reached out, cupping Killua's face.

Killua's fist shot out, clocking Illumi in the jaw. Illumi snorted. That was a good punch. Killua hopefully wouldn't have to resort to physical violence to run the business, but—

"He does too have friends!" yelled a voice from the doorway.

"Oops," said Hisoka. "Guess I left it open."


	3. Illusion

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! This chapter seems a l'il crack but it is building somewhere, I promise.

"He does too have friends!" repeated an angry voice. Illumi raised his eyebrows as a kid with spiked hair stomped towards him, followed by two other boys, one with blond hair and one taller, older. Illumi made a mental note to deck Hisoka in the nose next time they were sparring. Cheap shots allowed.

Killua's jaw fell open. "What are you doing here?" Alluka tugged at her long hair.

"We were worried," said the first boy. He glowered at Illumi, crossing his arms. "And Killua  _does_  have friends. He's  _my_  friend. He's our friend."

Illumi blinked. Who did this kid think he was to walk in here and say such things? "And how long have you known him? Killua is cold. He does not have time for—"

"How would you know?" demanded the first boy.

This boy was like a gnat. Annoying and refusing to go away. "He's my brother. You've known him for only days. I've known him since he was born."

Killua's eyes darted from Illumi to the trio again and again. Alluka reached out to take his hand.

"Please leave," Illumi said. "I won't ask again."

"Why did you come?" Killua blurted out. Milluki appeared from the basement. He dropped his plate with a crash. Illumi pointed to a broom closet. _Sweep it up._

"Because," said the boy. "You're our friend."

Hisoka leaned back against the counter, biting his fingernail as he surveyed the trio. "Gon Freecss?"

Understanding dawned. This was Ging Freecss' son, the one Hisoka had mentioned the night before. He must want to get close to Killua for some sort of political gain.

"How d'you know my name?" asked Gon, frowning.

"Let's get out of here," said the blond boy. His eyes narrowed at Illumi, as if he didn't trust him. Well, Illumi didn't trust them. And the boy's eyes. They flashed a strange color. Scarlet.

Illumi stepped forward. "Killua's not going anywhere."

"Incorrect," said the blond boy—a Kurta. He had to be. Those eyes. He grabbed Killua's arm.

"See you later," Killua said, flipping Illumi off as he raced for the door, Alluka on his heels.

"Kil!" insisted Illumi. "You shouldn't just—"

"He just did," observed Kalluto, stabbing his fork down.

Illumi whipped around to glare at Kalluto. Did Killua want Illumi to go after him? How far did he have to go to prove that he loved Killua? Why was Killua so unable to see how much his family loved him and wanted the best for him?

"Why does he always leave?" demanded Kalluto. "I just want him to stay home."

Illumi stared out the doorway. He pressed his fingertips to his temple. How, how, how could he get through to Killua? What else could he do?

_Let him cry it out._

That's what his parents would advise. Illumi let out his breath. Killua would come back, especially since he was letting Alluka free. He was being generous. Illumi pulled his hair to the side. He turned to Milluki. "Do the dishes."

His brother's nose wrinkled. "You're not Father." And he walked back down the stairs.

"Milluki, I will send you back there!" called Illumi.

"I'll just do them," grumbled Kalluto, dragging himself off the stool.

"So, you're just going to let Killua do what he wants?" Hisoka asked.

"I thought you were leaving." Illumi knelt to pick up the glass from the shattered plate. It was sticky because of course Milluki had to try to inconvenience him. His thumb scraped the shards. A pearl of blood dripped onto the white porcelain.

"Things then got so much more interesting." Hisoka responded. "You need to work on your dad skills, by the way. Or your mom skills. I can't quite figure out which one you think you are."

"I have to parent them in my parents' absence," Illumi responded.

"Okay, Mr. Mom." Hisoka lingered above him. "As long as you're not too exhausted to fight me later. I hear parenting takes a toll. You start aging. Wrinkles. Losing your hair."

"Killua will come back," said Illumi, ignoring the comment. "He loves his family. And—that's Ging Freecss' son?"

"Mmhm." Hisoka rubbed the back of his neck.

"A runaway," mused Illumi. He felt like there had to be some useful nugget underneath a mound of useless dirt. "How interesting."

"Be careful," Hisoka said, his voice laden with a smirk. "That Killua doesn't find out you want to use this friendship against him. I don't think he'd be very pleased."

Illumi wrinkled his nose. The sound of water splashing echoed from the sink as Kalluto worked. "He would for the family. Zoldycks don't need friends."

"Then what are  _you_  guys?" yelled Kalluto from the kitchen. "Boyfriends?"

Illumi ignored Kalluto's sass. "We help each other achieve things with our skills." Like getting stronger via sparring and like getting food for ravenous younger siblings.

Kalluto stomped off to his room with a huff. Illumi wished Killua would take Kalluto into account. The kid was acting like a bratty edgelord.

"Hmm." Hisoka leaned back against the wall. "I have to say, Kalluto makes a fun suggestion." His hand landed on Illumi's shoulder. "Would it help or worsen your custody situation if you were dating—"

Illumi grabbed a large shard and stabbed it into Hisoka's hand. Hisoka's hands flew up, but the look in his eyes suggested he wasn't expecting anything less. His lips curved in a smile.

"Don't play with me," Illumi warned. Hisoka always took home a new person. Almost every day. He saw them coming in a parade from the gym, from wrestling matches. Men, women, it didn't matter. But Illumi had no time for those dalliances. His parents needed him to focus on Killua right now.

"Ah, but your reaction is more than entertaining." Hisoka reached out and pushed the shards down. "Careful, or you'll have to get stitches."

Illumi glanced at his hand. He cussed. Glass embedded his palm, dribbling down his wrist. He darted over to the sink and rinsed it, fishing the shards out on his own.

"I suppose that makes my next business offer pointless to ask," said Hisoka.

"Sex is not something I'm interested in, least of all with you," Illumi responded, voice low. He was glad Kalluto's door was closed.

"That wasn't my offer, but I'm flattered."

Illumi turned the water off, grabbing a towel and wrapping it around his hand. "I'm listening."

No response. Illumi whirled around. "Hisoka!"

The door closed. Illumi rolled his eyes. Stupid clown. It probably  _was_  his offer and he simply couldn't deal with Illumi calling him on it. Hisoka liked always having all the cards, keeping anyone from seeing his hand. Illumi flexed his fingers. The wounds wept red.

"Illumi?"

He turned. Kalluto stood there, hair combed neatly now.

"Can I go out?"

"Where are you going?' Illumi asked, keeping his hand in the sink. Crimson smeared the porcelain.

"I heard you and Hisoka talking. I want to talk to Chrollo Lucilfer about that Gon kid." Kalluto narrowed his eyes. "I want to bring Killua back just as much as you do. And have him stay." He fingered the hem of his sleeves.

It wasn't a bad idea. Illumi nodded. "Okay."

"I'll be back by six." Kalluto left. The sound of video games echoed from the basement. Illumi contemplated giving Milluki the electric bill at the end of his stay.

He had work to do himself. Illumi pulled up his laptop and started answered emails. Dull, dreary drudgery. With every creak in the floorboard and stupid cackle coming from the street, he turned, expecting to see or hear Killua coming up the path. But he didn't come. Illumi's fingers clacked over the keyboard, his hand still oozing through the bandages he wrapped around his cuts. He shouldn't have let Hisoka get under his skin like that. But Hisoka was like that. Damn clown.

By the time late afternoon rolled around and Killua had been missing for ten hours, Illumi was ready to lock his little brother in the house and throw away the key. He grabbed his phone.

"Let me guess," said Hisoka. "Killua isn't back."

Illumi drummed his uninjured fingers on his desk. His cuts smarted against the heating cell phone.

Hisoka laughed.

"I need to find him," Illumi said. "Child protective services could be—you knew where he was. Or you had some idea, if you knew he was with Gon Freecss."

" _If_  I know," said Hisoka. "And that's an 'if,' would you actually take me up on my offer?"

Illumi cradled his phone between his shoulder and his ear, stretching the hand out. Damn, it was bleeding again. "What is your offer?"

"Be my partner for an hour," said Hisoka.

"You mean for sparring?"

"No, I mean at a get-together I'm going to. I could use a distraction while I take care of something. You'd be one, especially with rumors no doubt spreading. You could also view it as an opportunity to squash those rumors about your parents before they run wild all over the city."

Illumi blew out his breath. "And what about Killua?"

"I guarantee you a certain someone who showed up today will be there. You can ask him." Hisoka hung up. A text message appeared with an address.

Illumi pressed his lips together.

Mother texted him.  _How is Killua? And Kalluto?_

Illumi hesitated. To lie to his parents, or not to lie?

He slipped the phone into his pocket.

* * *

"This is a plus one event, isn't it?" Illumi complained. Well, at least he knew why Hisoka had gotten handsy earlier. Probably testing chemistry to see if it would work. Illumi's suit was perfectly pressed, hair neatly combed.

"Obviously," said Hisoka, smirking. Illumi tugged his sleeve down to cover those wounds from earlier in the day. "I told you that would come back to bite you."

"You just want to see if you can make me uncomfortable. For some reason it'll give you a thrill," said Illumi, blowing out his breath. Although he wouldn't give Hisoka the satisfaction.

Hisoka arched a brow as if to confirm.

"Well," said Illumi. "If we're going to give them something to talk about, I will hold your hand. Only as we enter. And then if you touch me I'm breaking your bones. And you'll have to tell me who you're trying to distract and why."

"Simple," said Hisoka. "I'm trying to delete all of Chrollo Lucilfer's files."

Illumi leaned his head back against the building. "May I ask why?"

"You could ask," said Hisoka with a shrug. But he wouldn't answer.

"If I'm your pretend date, secrets don't seem quite fair."

"Key word: 'pretend.'"

Illumi folded his arms. "I'm not letting you delete Chrollo's data. I need it. Or rather, Kalluto needs it. He wants to find out more on Gon Freecss so that our father can—"

Hisoka rubbed his forehead, a purple satin tie hanging from around his neck.

"Steal his data and use that to hack in and delete what you need," Illumi advised. "I know you can do that quite easily." Hisoka once deleted their entire university's grades even though he had all As. He just wanted to see what they would do. The answer was give everyone all As and secure Hisoka a position as a hero for deadbeats.

"All right." Hisoka reached out. Illumi handed him his injured hand. Hisoka's grip was warm, but he didn't press as they rounded the corner and headed to the hall overflowing with prominent city folk. The moment Illumi stepped inside he was grateful he had. His presence was necessary, as his parents wouldn't be here. He and Hisoka wouldn't do anything explicit. Keep people guessing.

The scents of perfumes and colognes spread throughout the room, thick and overpowering. Wine and beer tempered it closer to the bar. Lights strung overhead as if they were in some kind of garden and not in a room with strict walls and a low ceiling.

"Drink?" asked Hisoka, surveying the crowd.

Illumi didn't see Chrollo. Neon was there though, giggling over a glass of wine that was certainly not her first. "Yes. Now."

Illumi opted for a martini, and Hisoka a mug of beer. He checked his phone again. Another text from Mother, anxious. Kalluto, saying he was home and Milluki had ordered pizza. Nothing from Killua.

"Why hello," said a voice behind them. Illumi spun. Chrollo's arm rested on Illumi's shoulder. "You two come together?"

"Yeah," said Hisoka, eyes narrowing.

Chrollo ignored him. As usual, he was wearing an entire bottle of hair gel that offended everyone within eyesight. "Your brother came to see me today. Seems you have a bit of a situation."

"It's a lot of brouhaha about nothing," Illumi replied, tightening his grip on his glass. The martini burned as it went down. "One of my father's rivals likely paid off someone to—"

"I'm sure," Chrollo said, thumping his phone down on the bar. "Besides, I have no desire for anyone other than a friend of ours to be in charge of this city."

Illumi caught Hisoka's golden eye.  _Get the phone_.

"So they're all staying with you?" Chrollo asked.

Hisoka made no move. Illumi could stab him with the toothpick holding his olives in place. "For the week."

"Is Milluki ever going to start school?" Chrollo joked. His hand hovered over the phone.

Illumi now contemplated stabbing Chrollo. No one insulted his brother but him. "He's taking online classes. He's quite bright." An idea began to bloom in Illumi's mind. He leaned forward. "Remember our college days?"

Chrollo laughed. "Do I ever." That was where he founded the Spider. The underground newspaper that was now the most well read paper in the city.

Illumi opened his mouth, planning to ask him about one of their classes, when Chrollo interrupted.

"I remember playing those ridiculous games with the whole crew. The drinking ones. Truth or dare and other shit."

"The time you were dared to break into the Kurtas and steal all those rubies," said Hisoka with a gaze around the room.

And then the Kurtas lost everything. To this day, the police believe they were involved in insurance fraud. They were a strange family anyways. Illumi didn't feel badly about it, but every time he heard someone mention them he had to smile.

He thought of that boy from earlier, and frowned.

"Why don't we play a round now?" asked Chrollo, leaning forward.

 _Great_. But this would surely enable them to get out sooner rather than later, if Chrollo could be properly distracted. And then they could get Killua. Hopefully. If Hisoka's mystery person showed. Illumi downed more of his drink. It stung his stomach. His hand throbbed.

"Hisoka," said Chrollo. "Truth or dare?"

Hisoka grinned. "Dare."

"Drink that mug of beer without stopping."

 _If you get too drunk to function, I will leave you to drown in vomit,_ Illumi thought. Hisoka stood and cleared his throat. Several chatting people in designer clothes looked their way as Hisoka chugged the entire mug, wiping his mouth to finish. "Illumi."

"Truth," Illumi said, tracing the rim of his glass. If it was too uncomfortable he could just lie.

"Have you ever had sex?"

Illumi's eyes bugged out. "Of course." It wasn't a lie. But what on earth was making Hisoka ask all these questions? He spotted Hisoka's hand sliding towards Chrollo's phone. Good. He'd have to continue. "A few times." He did not want to divulge any more details. But he had to keep talking.  _Hisoka, you bastard_.

"Honestly I pegged you as a prude," said Chrollo.

"I just don't need to do it to function each and every day," Illumi said, gaze boring into Hisoka, who held one arm behind his back. "I have self-control. A value my parents instilled in me."

"Too bad they didn't instill saving lives, eh?" asked Chrollo. "Watch your back, Illumi. That's all I'm saying. You pissed off an important couple yesterday."

"Excuse me?" Illumi blinked.

"Denying them coverage."

"Truthfully you'll have to be more specific."

"An elderly couple," said Chrollo. "Rumor has it, they're pissed. And they're pissed enough to try and do something." He clapped lllumi on the shoulder and retrieved his phone.

"You're not playing?" asked Hisoka.

"No, I think you're done looking at my phone. Good luck; I change the passwords every hour, and oh, would you look at the time, we've got two minutes before the hour."

Hisoka looked as if he was about to hurl the beer mug off Chrollo's head.

Illumi got to his feet. His fists clenched. He did not have time to deal with some pissy elderly couple that would die soon anyways and their feelings. He had to find his brother and this was all just a waste of time. He turned and stormed out.  _I'm sorry, Killua._

Hisoka followed, cussing as he tried to get data before the hour turned. Illumi grabbed him by the shoulder the moment they were out of the main hall and into a darkened corridor. He slammed Hisoka back against the wall. "Where is your person?"

"For Killua?"

"They're late," Illumi snapped.

"They're on their way. I know it for a fact." Hisoka smirked and held up his own phone. "Because I don't need the passwords. I downloaded Chrollo's texts."

One read  _he's been spotted._

Illumi scowled. "Why did you have to ask me that?"

"It's something that I've genuinely wondered. To the point of losing sleep."

Illumi snorted in disgust. "Well, rest assured, my cherry's been popped."

"You never dated anyone in college."

"It's always been for work," said Illumi, crossing his arms.

Hisoka burst into laughter. "That sounds like—care to explain?"

Illumi's face burned. "It's just—sometimes it's easier to get companies to partner with you if someone wants to—"

"That sounds very much like you're a hooker."

"Well, I'm not. It's been my idea and it's mutually beneficial for all parties, I assure you."

"You're getting something from it. That's prostitution."

Illumi glared at him. "Why do you have sex?"

Hisoka shrugged. "Because I like it?"

"So you're getting pleasure," said Illumi. "There is no difference. It's an exchange. You give and you get. I give and I get. What we give and get is simply different."

"I have issues," said Hisoka, staring at him. "But you're pretty fucked up yourself."

Illumi wrinkled his nose.

"And there's your man," said Hisoka. "Or, boy." He nudged Illumi, who peered out from behind the coat rack to see the blond boy from his house earlier. The one with the scarlet eyes. The Kurta.

Illumi wasted no time. He lunged at the boy, grabbing him by the collar. The boy let out a gasp, sweat shining on his forehead, lights beaded on his skin from the chandelier above. "Where is my brother,  _Kurta_?"

"I—I don't—"

"And sister," said Hisoka. "Alluka went with them too, remember?"

Illumi ignored him. "Tell me, or I'll haul your ass to-"

"Kurapika," said Hisoka. "You should tell him. He's not bluffing. Or you could not. That'd be fun to see as well."

"Leave me alone!" squeaked the boy. Illumi tightened his grip. He would strangle Kurapika Kurta if he had to. "He's—just outside."

Disbelief dissolved Illumi's rage. "Are you—"

"See? Promise kept," said Hisoka, dusting his hands. "I even delivered Killua right to your doorstep."

Illumi glowered. He released Kurapika, who gagged and ran. "He's looking for Chrollo, isn't he?"

"If someone ruined your family," said Hisoka. "Wouldn't you want to hunt them down and make them pay? Fret not for Chrollo; he's been warned."

Illumi studied Hisoka.  _What kind of game are you playing?_  It didn't matter. He turned and thumped down the stairs.

"You know he's just going to run away again as soon as you go to sleep," Hisoka called.

"Not if I stay up all night!" Illumi hollered.

"You can't do that every night!"

"Yes, I can." And he would.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Up next: the first step to breaking Illumi down: physicality.


	4. Delusion

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!

Caffeine became Illumi's life blood. He chugged coffee and tea and energy drinks to make it through the night. Killua mumbled something about Illumi being a vampire when he got up to get Alluka a drink of water one night and found Illumi sitting on his couch reading the paper.

Mother called the second day. "Illumi!" she sobbed. "I was worried—when you didn't answer your phone I thought that you must have—that it would have—oh, Illumi—how is Killua?"

"I apologize," Illumi stated, twisting his hands on his lap. His work computer blinked at him. Canary insisted it was fine for him to take several days off from the office. "I was tired. It will not happen again."

"Good." She heaved a sigh. "How are they all doing?"

"They miss you," Illumi reported. "And I may have something on Ging Freecss soon." From what he'd uncovered, Freecss had a son, but the son lived with relatives. Except it didn't appear that way anymore, if Gon's presence in the city was anything to go by. All he would have to do was call the police to check up with Gon Freecss' aunt.

"Wonderful." His mother's voice caught. "Do they really miss me?"

"Mmhm." At least they had to. Illumi's mind felt fuzzy, like he couldn't put concepts together. But it couldn't be going without sleep. His parents would deny him sleep when he was younger if he hadn't properly finished all of his schoolwork. Even nowadays, Illumi wouldn't leave the office until all his work was complete. And taking care of his siblings was work now. He couldn't rest until he knew they were all safe.

The third day, Illumi's skull felt as if an axe was repeatedly slamming into it, splitting the bone apart into fragments. His hand throbbed, his neck felt like pins and needles were stuck in the back, and his stomach churned at the thought of any food. Killua still hadn't attempted to run away just yet. But he still looked frustrated.

"What on earth were you even doing there at the gala?" Killua asked him begrudgingly.

"I was there with Hisoka," Illumi stated. " _Looking for you."_ He pressed his lips together. "And I suppose you won't tell me where you went?"

Killua's lips twitched as if he might smile, and Illumi remembered the times he used to swing Killua up because it made him laugh. Father told him the sound was too much and he should only make Killua fly when he'd done something to earn it. But it couldn't be for the simplest tasks. The tasks got harder and harder.

"No, but I was planning to come back," Killua told him.

Illumi nodded. Of course. Killua did love him.

"What happened to your hand, or should I ask?"

"My hand?" Illumi held it up and blinked. Oh right. He'd cut it. He shook his head, as if that might shake the fog out his ears. "Milluki's shattered plate."

"He should do something himself for once," said Killua.

"He does," Illumi insisted. "Just—from the house." His eyes caught something on Killua's elbow. "Did someone hit you? Did you get in a fight?"

Killua withdrew his elbow. "It's not a concern."

"Because if you want me to take care of—"

"Are you insane?" Killua shouted, balling his fists. "It was just a scuffle! Good grief, Illumi, you are either a psychopath or—"

"Psychopaths can't love, and it's antisocial personality—"

"Killua?" Alluka appeared in the doorway, hanging onto the beam. "Can you help me with my maths?"

Killua's face dissolved into a smile. "Of course."

They left.

The fourth day, an energy drink of questionable legality bubbling and frothing in Illumi's stomach, Milluki informed Illumi that Killua hadn't actually completed any schoolwork since coming here and Mother was upset with him and with Illumi's scattered answers to her calls.

Illumi gritted his teeth. Someone knocked on the door and he yanked it open.

"Hey," said Hisoka. "The door's actually locked for once."

"I'm making sure he doesn't run away again." Illumi stepped outside, closing the door behind him. The sun felt nice. Sweet. Like a dream. Illumi closed his eyes and snapped them open, swaying on his feet.

"Hm." Hisoka leaned back in his heels, surveying Illumi. "You're either drunker than I've ever been or, perhaps, you legitimately haven't slept since I last saw you," Hisoka remarked, rubbing his chin. The sun glinted against his gelled hair. It looked stupid. Illumi didn't like it. Why did Hisoka want to look like there was a flaming volcano on his skull?

"I told you," said Illumi. "I'm fine without sleep. Three days is nothing."

Hisoka burst into laughter. "It's been four."

Obviously. "I know. This is new territory, but—"

"Maybe your brother just—"

Illumi grabbed the rail to stay on his feet. "Killua's not doing his schoolwork."

"Well, did you tell him to? Because if you did I guarantee you that's why he isn't. It's not fun to always obey." Hisoka grinned.

Illumi winced. The sun felt like it was searing his eyes now. Minutes ago it was soft and gentle like a kitten and now it was a burning beast gouging out his eyes. Illumi rubbed them. Stupid bulging orbs. "Why are you here? Is there something I can help you with?"

"I was going to discuss Chrollo Lucilfer and ask if you wanted to go to the gym and spar, but I'm not sure if you're still in this dimension."

"I can't leave my siblings," lllumi replied.

"I wouldn't wrestle you anyways in this state. You'd die. While I'd love to fight a zombie someday you're hardly an exciting sort of zombie."

"Try me." Illumi scowled.

"That'd be like kicking a puppy with a broken leg—or a broken mind."

"Hey," Illumi said. "That's simply—unfair—"

Hisoka reached out to pat him on the head. Illumi grabbed his wrist, twisting it. Hisoka rolled his eyes, and then with a flash of orange and white, Illumi found his other arm twisted behind his back. Illumi bit his cheek to keep from vomiting. He glared at Hisoka. "Let go."

"I don't feel like it."

"If you don't I'm going to vomit all over your shoes."

Hisoka chuckled behind him. "Incorrect, Illumi, you'd vomit over your own shoes."

"Hisoka—"

He released him. Illumi stumbled, glaring. He rubbed his temples and frowned up at the house.

Several dark shadows lurked in Alluka's room, behind the curtains. Killua, Alluka, and—definitely not Kalluto or Milluki. "Someone's in there!"

"Huh?"

Illumi fumbled with the door. He throw it open and charged up the stairs. Kalluto almost dropped his phone. "What's wrong?"

Illumi slammed open Alluka's door. She screamed. She and Killua sat on her rug, laptop in front of them as Killua worked on homework. "Who was just here?"

"No one," said Killua. "Illumi, you don't look well."

Ahh. Killua was worried about him. Illumi wiped sweat from his brow. "I just saw five people in this room. From outside."

"Did you see anyone?" Killua asked Hisoka, who appeared behind him.

"No," said Hisoka.

"I know what I saw," Illumi insisted.

"I'm not sure you do," said Killua. "Also I'm trying to do work. Can you please leave?'

"You haven't done work since coming here."

"Well, I'm doing it now."

"Why can't he just be honest with me?" Illumi ranted the moment he shut the door behind them.

Hisoka slid his eyes in Illumi's direction. "Would you care? Don't you have to lie for your job? If Killua takes over the family business—"

"But not to me." Illumi staggered into the kitchen. "Coffee?"

"At this point I don't trust you to make it without poison. Have fun dying." Hisoka left. At least Illumi thought so. He could only taste the coffee, burned, and hear Alluka and Killua laughing.

On day five, Illumi jolts into alertness on the couch. He wasn't asleep. Not really. His eyes were open. But he doesn't really know if he was thinking or doing anything. His lungs felt heavy, as if weights were attached to them.

A ghostlike figure drifted down the stairs, and down towards the basement. Illumi turned his head. That felt exhausting. His spine felt like something had nailed the vertebrae together.

Alluka shrieked.

 _Sleepwalking!_  Illumi leapt to his feet. "Killua," he called.

But when he got to the basement, he just found Alluka leaning over the couch and watching whatever bloody shoot-em-up video game Milluki was playing. "Why do you stay down here?" Alluka asked.

"Yeah?" Killua staggered in there, blinking and rubbing his eyes.

"She's not supposed to be—"

"Yes, she is," Killua stated. "I'm not letting Alluka be a prisoner ever again."

Alluka ignored them. "But why do you stay down here when you don't have to?"

Milluki glanced back at her. "Because I want to?"

"Why?" She kicked her legs up.

"Because I like my games, and you're getting in the way."

"You're playing it wrong." Alluka reached for the remote. "You should go left there."

Killua smiled. Illumi's brow furrowed.

"What would you even know?" scoffed Milluki.

"She's smart," said Killua quietly.

Milluki went left down a deserted hallway. "See? A dead end—oh." His eyes widened.

Alluka plopped down next to him. She beamed up at him. Killua knelt next to them.

Illumi didn't understand. Alluka didn't seem crazy. But she'd been diagnosed. She was sick. She had hurt people. Okay, so Illumi had put her in situations to see how angry she would get, what she was capable of, if they could still save her. It wasn't worth it, his parents concluded. They didn't want to save her. Because of Illumi deliberately provoking Alluka and seeing her lash out. But the butler was okay. He lived. And his parents had made up their minds before Illumi ever orchestrated anything.

It wasn't his fault. He had to protect the family. Illumi rubbed his brow. His father approved. He told him it was good. He was good. Right?

Illumi staggered up the stairs and ran into a figure standing in the entryway. "Please tell me I'm not insane."

"Your eyes are more scarlet than the Kurtas," replied Hisoka. "I don't know. What makes you feel like you're sane?"

"How did you get in?" Illumi marched over to make more coffee.

"I let him in," said Kalluto's bored voice from his room. He slammed the door.

Illumi scowled. He reached up for the coffee and cussed.

Hisoka was just laughing. Of course he was. The sound reverberated in his skull, bouncing off the walls, off the bones, off each neuron. The walls of the kitchen looked like they were compressing the window. Illumi rubbed his temples.  _Am I sane? Am I insane?_

He spotted something on the door and frowned. "Thanks for buying a lock."

"Huh?" Hisoka pulled out his phone.

"You bought a lock," said Illumi. At least none of his brothers would have bought one. "The door." He pointed at the large brass lock clearly visible on the door.

Hisoka couldn't stop laughing.

"What is it?" Illumi asked. "Is it a fake?"

"It doesn't exist, Illumi. You've actually cracked."

"I have not. I have not slept." Illumi squinted, trying to get the lock to disappear. It seemed to only grow larger. He turned to Hisoka, whose phone was still aimed at him. "What are you doing?"

"Streaming," answered Hisoka.

"But why? And what?"

"You, because you're hallucinating," Hisoka answered.

"I don't understand."

"I don't think you understand that 2+2=5 right now."

"I at least know that."

"Really, because it equals four."

Illumi glared. "I don't appreciate being made a fool of."

"Then there's a simple solution," said Hisoka, still streaming. His phone was starting to resemble a lock too. Maybe he'd gotten a new phone case. "Sleep."

"I can't. I have to protect my siblings. I don't mind sacrificing my body or my mind for them." Illumi reached for his coffee. Except he'd forgotten to put a filter in it. The boiling, frothy brew tasted like death. He spat it out.

Hisoka put his phone down, still laughing. Kalluto stood in the doorway, eyes wide as if he was afraid.

"What's wrong, Kalluto?" Illumi asked him.

"You are," Hisoka said. He cussed and reached for Illumi. "You need to sleep."

"I can't, and do not touch me."

"You have no coordination right now, so good luck." Hisoka grabbed him when Illumi lunged. His fingers pressed into Illumi's forearms, and then he threw Illumi over his shoulder.

"Hey!" Illumi bellowed. He flailed. But a wave of nausea rose up. Illumi scrunched up his face, tensing all his muscles to keep from vomiting.

Hisoka tossed him onto something soft. His bed, made perfectly. As always. "Sleep."

Illumi punched him in the jaw. Hisoka cussed. "What was that about coordination?" He should push himself up on his elbows. He should get up. But the mattress was so soft. He bought a temperpedic one when he got it. Just to ensure he got his maximum rest to be at his best at work. It was his one indulgence.

Hisoka rubbed his chin. "Shut up; you'll embarrass yourself."

"I have to—" Illumi rolled over. The nausea slammed into him again. He bit down on the edge of his pillow.

"I'll make sure they don't go anywhere."

"I trust you about as much as I trust Judas." Illumi's eyes struggled to stay open. The muscles hurt. He exhaled.

When he woke, it was still dark. Illumi jolted upright. The room spun. He grabbed his hair, collecting it in his fist. He blinked. A figure crouched in the open doorway. "Why are you still here?"

Hisoka turned around. He cocked his head. "Oh, are you awake?"

"What time is it?" Illumi fumbled for his phone. He frowned. Had he left it downstairs? "Is Killua—"

"He's still here," said Hisoka. "He had his friends over. Hope you don't mind."

"He doesn't have friends," Illumi replied. The response came automatic, as if programmed into him. He staggered to his feet.

"You slept twelve hours," Hisoka said. "It's 4am."

"What's it to you if I die of sleep deprivation?" Illumi asked. "I would think I'd be more fun for you then."

"You're useless in a fight when you're like this," Hisoka retorted.

Illumi stalked out the door, sidestepping Hisoka. Alluka's door was closed, a light burning under it. Illumi contemplated ordering them to sleep, but Alluka was uncontrollable and he didn't feel like risking his liver at the moment—or really, risking Killua's fury if Alluka went berserk and he had to stop her.

Illumi made his way down the stairs, almost tripping over a sleeping form. "What are you doing here?"

Kalluto jolted awake, scrambling to his feet. He rubbed sleep out of his eyes. "Illumi?"

"Why are you sleeping on the stairs?"

"Killua and Alluka were playing a game," Kalluto said. He wrapped his arms around himself.

"You could go join," Hisoka said.

"No, I can't." Kalluto stuck his lower lip out. He followed Illumi into the kitchen. "I want to make him care about me again. It's like Alluka broke something in him and he doesn't care about the rest of us."

"He does," Illumi insisted. "He's just a little—delusional right now."

Kalluto swung himself up on one of the stools, resting his chin on his fists. "When are we going home, Illumi?"

"Soon," Illumi promised. Though he hadn't heard anything. He grabbed an orange and handed it to Kalluto. The first shred of dawn tore into the sky, leaving ridged lavender scars.

Kalluto heaved a sigh. He peeled the orange and stuffed some sections into his mouth. Hisoka took three. Kalluto glared at him and Hisoka shrugged like he didn't care.

"Did they get dinner?" Illumi asked.

"They had a luau and roasted Milluki," Hisoka answered.

"That's not funny. He's my brother." Illumi brewed more coffee. God, his head still pounded and pounded. He wanted to dig his fingers into his scalp and stop the incessant pulsations. He leaned back against the cabinets. "Kalluto, if you want to talk to Killua, you should."

"I don't want him to treat me like he treats you," said Kalluto. "Like he hates you."

Illumi blinked. He set the measuring spoon down with a clank. Hisoka covered his mouth. "He does not hate me. I raised him. He's my brother. He loves me more than anyone else in the world."

"He loves Alluka more," said Kalluto, spitting out a seed. "And he always looks like he's been sentenced to hard labor when he has to spend a moment with you. In fact, sometimes he looks like you're a zombie from one of Alluka's nightmares."

His words shredded Illumi's skin. He flexed his injured hand, feeling the healing cuts stretch, some reopening. "Killua just needs to understand his priorities better. He's a Zoldyck. He's our brother."

Kalluto shrugged. A thump echoed upstairs. Kalluto frowned, peering up at the ceiling. "I'd give anything to have him back."

"Another nightmare, probably," said Illumi, pouring the coffee. "Do not worry, Kalluto."

Hisoka held out his hand for coffee.

"Make it yourself." Illumi smirked.

"What a difference sleep makes," Hisoka commented. "You'd be a drooling slave if I'd let you continue like that."

Kalluto let out a huff and jumped up, tossing his orange peel into the garbage. He pounded up the stairs.

"See?" Illumi asked Hisoka, blowing on the coffee. "Now they'll talk, and it'll—"

" _Illumi!"_ screamed Kalluto.

Illumi charged up the stairs, taking it two at a time. "What?"

Kalluto pointed. Alluka sat up in bed, her hair mussed, yawning. Killua's blankets lay rumpled on the floor. And the window gaped at them, cool morning breeze wafting through and the screen pushed up, up, up.

"Illumi?" asked Hisoka. "Am I allowed to kill Killua?"

Illumi glared at Hisoka. Hisoka held his hands up in the air. "Okay, okay. I was kidding."

It was the influence of those people. That could be the only explanation. Illumi cursed. If only he hadn't fallen asleep. If only—

"Where did he go?" Kalluto cried to Alluka.

She yelped and dove under the blankets, curling up in a ball.

"I'll find him," said Illumi. "Milluki will watch you." He looked at Hisoka. "Get out."

Illumi thumped down the stairs and burst out the door. He checked his phone and texted Killua.  _Get back home now. Kalluto's yelling at Alluka._  At the very least, that might work.

"Hey!" called a voice. Illumi turned. A girl—boy?—road a scooter down the street, flashing him with a wide grin. Their headphones looked like cat ears, and they wore knee pads. "Are you looking for your brother?"

Illumi stiffened. "Who are you?"

The kid hopped off their scooter, coming closer. "I was told to give you this."

"How do you know Killua?"

"I don't," sang the kid. "Just who he is. And who you are." They laughed, and then something sharp plunged into Illumi's side.

Illumi reacted on instinct. He send his elbow into the kid's throat, knee into their hip. The kid yelped and scrambled at him, crimson flecking their face. Something warm ran down Illumi's side.  _What the fuck?_

_Have I been stabbed? Me?_

"Hey!" shouted a voice.


	5. Stitched

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading!

Blood dripped onto the ground. The kid turned towards the voice. Illumi lunged. He ripped the knife away from the kid, sending them sprawling onto the asphalt. Illumi contemplated stabbing the kid in the back. That probably wasn't a good idea. His side stung. His breaths came quick, sharp.

"What the—" Killua ran up. _Killua_. Here. Back.

"Oops!" The kid sprang to their feet. They turned and grabbed their scooter, racing away and leaving Illumi standing in the driveway with a bloody knife clutched in his hand and crimson blooming on his shirt.

Illumi stuffed the pocketknife into his pocket. He grabbed Killua. "Where did you go?"

Killua was carrying two large grocery bags. "I went to get groceries."

Illumi cocked his head. Canary had brought plenty of food over. Killua shouldn't be hungry. "You know if there's a particular food you want you can just ask."

"Why did Pitou stab you?" yelled Killua.

"You know them?" Illumi narrowed his eyes. He pressed his hand against the wound. It wasn't too deep. Definitely didn't get any organs. He might need stitches though. He hoped not.

Killua shook his head. "Not exactly. Are you—all right?"

"Yeah," Illumi panted. "Of course." He tried to straighten. Ouch. "Don't you ever sneak out like that again. You need to understand that you—"

"You were asleep and—"

"I don't care." Illumi limped up towards the front door. "Come inside, Kil."

Killua follower, hauling the groceries. His face stayed hidden. Maybe he was ashamed. Then again, maybe not. Illumi didn't feel as if he had a good read on his brother anymore. He used to be able to tell why Killua was crying as an infant. And Father wanted him to use that to teach Killua when to cry and when to not, and eventually, how to endure. It built resilience.

_Let him cry it out._

_If I let you cry, would you look at me?_

_If I let you cry, would I be failing?_

Illumi slammed the door behind him.

"The fuck happened to you?" asked Hisoka.

"Some punk stabbed me," answered Illumi. "It's all right, though."

"Some what _what?"_ demanded Kalluto. Alluka peered around the corner from the stairs. Her eyes lit up when she saw Killua.

"Did you meet them on the street? Were they one of your friends?" Illumi asked. "I told you you didn't have friends."

Killua wouldn't meet his eyes.

"You wouldn't keep something important from me, would you?" asked Illumi, reaching blood-stained fingers from his brother. Panic ate at him like ants in his fingertips, in his toes. It shouldn't be from blood loss. He hadn't lost much. He felt lightheaded anyways, like his skull was slowly being scraped with sandpaper. _You wouldn't, would you?_

_Does he love me at all?_

_He has to. He's too ashamed to face me._

Killua ignored him. Illumi turned and headed into the bathroom. He ripped his shirt off and soaked a towel in rubbing alcohol and pressing it on the wound. He let out his breath. Damn, that stung. Illumi clutched the counter with his free hand. Blood seeped into the towel. That little idiot hadn't hit any vital organs. Were they even aiming for them? Or just trying to scare him? And why?

They had said they knew of Killua… and Killua knew their name. Illumi's mind swum with possibilities. If—

"You actually got the shit kicked out of you by a little kid?"

Illumi knew he should have locked the door. He didn't bother to face Hisoka. "I actually threw them to the ground. They took me by surprise."

"This is why you should sleep."

"This is why you should've made sure Killua didn't leave." Illumi reached down to grab a pile of bandages from the drawer. He sat on the edge of the tub and grabbed scissors. Hisoka hoisted himself up on the counter and smirked down at him, eyeing Illumi's shirtless physique. "Do I need to sue you for sexual harassment?" At least someone was looking at him, though.

"Your brother's smart. And watching your worry is amusing."

Illumi glowered up at him, biting down on the bandage as he measured and snipped with the scissors. "Does watching me bleed turn you on?"

"No."

Illumi snorted. "You are a strange man."

"No stranger than you."

"I don't get turned on by defeating people."

"You don't get turned on by anything except by duty for your job and pleasing your family, apparently, which is more than a little disturbing."

Illumi didn't respond to that. He wrapped the bandage around his side one, two, three times.

"And you're wrong," said Hisoka. "I get turned on by challenges."

 _And I'm a challenge for you. I suppose it would have happened sooner rather than later_. Illumi stood up. He stepped closer to Hisoka and planted his hands on the counter. His side throbbed and burned. Blood stained the white sink. Hisoka arched his eyebrows. "Good luck," Illumi told him.

He turned away and grabbed his shirt, shrugging back into it. "Maybe you should cool off before you come back out. Or just go home." Illumi made it up to his room and changed into something not splattered in blood. He blew out his breath. His face felt warm, even though he'd lost blood. Hopefully the bandages would take care of it. He could feel it still oozing against his skin.

The doorbell rang.

 _Oh, for fuck's sake_.

"Illumi!" Milluki hollered.

 _Oh, you're alive_? Illumi grabbed his jacket and pushed his arms through it. He cursed in pain, hobbling down the stairs.

That officer stood in the entryway, smiling a smile of sugar while her eyes twinkled with sparks of explosives. Biscuit Krueger.

"Miss Krueger," Illumi said, heading down the stairs and freezing his mouth so that he wouldn't grimace. "What a surprise." _A terrible one._ He'd rather have seen a cockroach.

"Mr. Zoldyck," she chirped. "I'm performing a welfare check on the kids."

"Hi," called Alluka, Killua's arms around her.

"Pleased to see Alluka isn't locked in her room," added Krueger.

Illumi swallowed. "Of course not." And despite it having been six days, she hadn't asked for anyone's liver yet either.

Hisoka wandered in. Illumi pressed his lips together.

"Who are you?" asked Biscuit.

Illumi opened his mouth. Friend? Not really. Partner? In the gym. Boyfriend? Hell no. "We work out together."

Biscuit cocked her head. "Okay. Alluka, Killua, Kalluto, why don't the three of you show me where you're staying?" She glanced at Illumi. "You can wait here."

Hisoka chortled as Biscuit left the room. Milluki shook his head, crouched on the couch.

"This is a violation," said Illumi.

"I'm quite sure it's legal, Illumi," Hisoka said.

Illumi contemplated stabbing Hisoka, but that would probably lose him custody. Hisoka grinned as he took in the fire smoldering in Illumi's eyes. _I will kill you later._

Biscuit came back, Alluka smiling and almost skipping. Killua wilted against the wall.

"Let's talk," Biscuit said to Illumi.

"Want to play a game downstairs?" Milluki asked Alluka. "I need help finishing the next level."

"Keep the volume down," Illumi said, voice like ice. _If she notices it's a shoot em up game I will skin you._

Milluki nodded. Kalluto slouched as he headed after them. Hisoka blew a kiss.

"So," said Biscuit, taking a seat at the small kitchen table. "No need to make tea or coffee. We both know you don't feel like being hospitable."

"All right then." Illumi took a seat, folding his hands. His side screamed in pain. "Let's talk."

"You first," said Biscuit, not breaking his stare. She smiled, oh-so-sweetly.

"When are my parents getting custody back?"

"Have they texted you so many times?"

"They—"

"Don't lie to me, Illumi Zoldyck." Biscuit leaned forward. "I know they're in touch with you. I don't even need proof to know it. No pretenses." She tapped her fingers against the table. "You're lucky I do believe Alluka and Killua, that you haven't locked her up."

Illumi said nothing.

"Your father doesn't believe she's family. No child of his would act like that. Were you allowed to break a dish as a child, Illumi? What happened if you did?"

Illumi started. "My parents have only ever wanted to raise successful children."

"You're the exact opposite of a success."

Illumi's jaw dropped. "Pardon? Miss Krueger, that's a bit rude, don't you think?" _I make probably four times what you do._

"You're no adult," said Biscuit. "You're a child. Don't pull that shit on me. Don't pull any of the shit your parents pulled, because I'm going to see to it that Killua, Alluka, and Kalluto don't spend another day under their roof unless they want to when they're old enough to decide on their own."

Illumi leaned forward. His heart thumped. His hair stuck to the back of his neck. The pain stormed him, nausea clamping down on his throat. "You can't do that."

"Even the Zoldycks are subject to the law," Biscuit informed him, arranging her clipboard. "But I would want them to stay with you."

"My parents—"

"But only if you're better than they are," Biscuit said. "Instead of being abusive cunts like them." She rose. "And you'd better learn to see your sister as your sister. Your siblings need you, Illumi. They don't need to _be_ you."

 _Stop,_ Illumi wanted to tell her. _I'll destroy you. I'll ruin you. Stop. You can't say that to me. You can't. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not! That isn't it at all!_

_I hate you!_

_Bitch!_

"By the way," she said by the door. Illumi wordlessly followed her. If he opened his mouth the words he wanted to sling at her would tumble out and his fists would follow. "The clown man? You have strange taste."

_Are you kidding me?_

The door shut behind her, and Illumi gripped the wall, barely able to stand as agony wracked through him. That fucking stab wound shouldn't have upset him so much. Maybe it was just the lack of sleep exacerbating her words.

 _They love me. We're family. They need Mother and Father. Mother and Father need me to succeed at this. I need to get them back to them. I'm not Killua but I'm successful I'm not you are I'm_ —

Something clunked upstairs. Illumi froze. Everyone else was downstairs, weren't they? If that murderous little kitten had decided to crawl back, Illumi would stop it this time. He grabbed a knife from the kitchen and slipped up the stairs, making little noise. Biscuit Krueger's voice echoed and echoed inside his brain. He shook his head, wanting to send her words flying out.

_You're not a success._

The noise came from Alluka and Killua's room. Illumi flung it open.

"Hi," said Gon Freecss.

" _Killua!"_ Illumi yelled. "The hell are you doing—"

A groan echoed from the closet, and a thump. Illumi pressed his fingers against his temples as Kurapika Kurta stumbled out, followed by another boy, taller, with dark hair.

"Please don't be mad at Killua!" Gon said. "We asked him—we didn't have anywhere else to go—"

"Excuse me?" Illumi's scalp felt as if an elastic band tightened around it, squeezing and squeezing. "I don't understand. How did you get in?"

"Killua let us in," said Gon, swallowing. Kurapika dropped onto the floor, crossing his arms and scowling.

"How long have you been here? And how did Biscuit Krueger not catch you?" The five people he'd seen in the window! _I wasn't hallucinating after all_.

"We hid in _your_ room," answered Kurapika, a wicked grin splitting his face.

Pounding echoed on the stairs below. Illumi turned around, willing himself not to explode. This was exactly the sort of thing that could get him to lose custody. And his siblings needed him. Krueger even said so. He lasered his gaze at Killua.

Killua cringed.

"Oops," said Alluka's voice.

"The fuck?" yelled Kalluto. Milluki groaned. Hisoka burst into laughter.

"I'm waiting for your explanation," Illumi said, leaning back against the doorframe.

"They… didn't have anywhere to go?" Killua offered. He stepped closer.

"How long?"

"Since the day after we moved in?"

Humiliation bit down on Illumi's spine. _How could I not have known?_ "I'm not running an orphanage. Get out."

"If they leave, I leave!" yelled Killua. "They're my friends!"

"You don't—"

"Shut up; he does too!" Gon snapped.

Illumi grabbed Gon's shoulder, squeezing. He glowered at the kid. _Don't cross me_. "Want me to call your dad?"

"You know where he is?" Gon's eyes lit up.

"Everyone knows," said Illumi.

"But every time I try to see him they won't let me, or they don't believe me, and they're not giving him my messages," Gon said, eyes wide.

"That isn't my problem." Illumi's priorities were protecting the Zoldycks. Not some interloper.

"Hey Alluka," said Killua. "Call Biscuit Krueger if Illumi doesn't let them stay."

 _If they stay under my roof, I can keep Killua under my roof. If they stay under my roof, Killua will ignore me even more._ Illumi hated how this felt, as if his choices pressed in on him on all sides, tethered his wrists. "Who are you?" he snarled at the fourth kid.

"Leorio," he said, holding out his hand. Illumi ignored it.

"This is ridiculous!" Kalluto fumed. ""Killua, make them go away!"

"I—"

"Why do you prefer them to your own family?" Kalluto screamed, stomping his feet.

"Why do you call Alluka an it or a he and refuse to acknowledge her as your sister?" Killua shouted back, fists balling up at his side. "That's not _normal_ , Kalluto!"

"It's not supposed to be normal," said Illumi. "We're Zoldycks."

"Fuck that!" Killua said. "Fuck being a Zoldyck! I'd rather have a family that—that—" His chest heaved. "At least my friends care about more than what I can _do!"_

Illumi didn't understand. Wasn't that what care was? Wanting someone to be at their best? Live to their full potential? That was the nature of love. Of the Zoldycks, and they pushed it to be above the rest, because they were Zoldycks.

Letting them stay might help Killua be at his best. For now. Illumi gritted his teeth. With each breath, his side burned. He still didn't want them to stay. He wanted to spend time with his brother, bond with him again before he sent Killua back to their parents. Like they used to.

Father would want them to stay. For Killua's potential. Illumi dropped his head. "Fine."

Biscuit's words echoed. _I'm going to see to it that Killua, Alluka, and Kalluto don't spend another day under your parents' roof._

That couldn't be true. Illumi refused to believe it. But if they had to stay with him…

"Illumi!" Kalluto glared at him, eyes bright as if he was going to cry.

"This is gonna be interesting," commented Milluki. Alluka clamped her hands over her ears and rocked back and forth, screaming. Killua grabbed her. Kalluto hesitated, and then reached out, slapping Alluka and racing down the stairs, slamming the door.

"Hey!" called Illumi. "Kalluto!"

"Your bastard!" yelled Killua. Alluka just stared, silent now, a red streak on her face.

"We don't mean to cause trouble," said Leorio.

"That's amusing," Illumi said, voice dry. "Because you _are_ causing trouble." _And I'm going to kill you, Hisoka_. He grabbed Killua's shoulder. "And if your friends get to stay, you have to tell me who that Pitou was."

"Pitou was here?" yelped Gon. He curled his fists. "I'll kill that mangy—"

Hisoka smirked as if Gon's proclamation made him proud.

"They're part of a gang," blurted out Killua. "They call themselves the Chimera Ants. They do all sorts of odd jobs. Pitou got Kite, a man who was—nice to us—arrested by planting evidence—someone must have paid them."

Illumi rubbed his forehead. "Why would they have stabbed me?"

"Have you pissed anyone off?"

"Just today he's pissed off all of you and that officer," Hisoka drawled.

It's part of his job to disappoint people. Illumi couldn't think about it too much. He almost wondered if Gon or Kurapika had hired this Pitou to stab him so that he'd lose custody, but no, Gon looked too enraged at the thought of Pitou. Chrollo's words from earlier echoed in Illumi's mind.

 _That couple_.

He turned and stalked into his bedroom, knowing Hisoka would follow. Illumi drew in his breaths ragged and sharp. "How is Chrollo involved?"

"Maybe you should ask Kalluto; he works with him, doesn't he?" Hisoka shut the door.

Illumi lowered himself onto the bed. "He just wants to find out information on Ging Freecss."

"Is that really what you think?"

Illumi let out his breath. "No." Kalluto would probably do whatever Chrollo asked in exchange for information on Ging Freecss. "But he would never allow one of his family members to be hurt."

"Can't relate." Hisoka chuckled. "It looks like this is your life now, eh? I heard that woman. Your parents are screwed."

Illumi glanced at him. Blood seeped through his bandage. He touched the cloth and his hands came away bloody. "My father always has a way."

"You're going to be boring forever."

"If I'm boring, why are you hanging around here?"

"To see you lose your shit over Killua betraying you." Hisoka snickered. "I was wondering how long it would take for you to notice."

Illumi got to his feet. His arm shot out, grabbing Hisoka by the shoulder and shoving him back. "Why do you care?"

"I don't care about anything but my own fun," Hisoka said. "And that kid. Gon Freecss. He's fun. He's got potential. He tried to take on Pitou by himself."

 _So he reminds you of you._ Illumi scowled. "Does Chrollo know Kurapika is here?"

Hisoka reached his hand up, snaking his fingers over Illumi's. "I'm not telling that cross-faced shithead."

 _You're just mad and petty he knows more than you_. "Did you get his files?"

Hisoka smirked. "I can't say I found anything relevant."

"Liar."

Hisoka's fingers traveled up Illumi's throat, over his pulse, to his voice box, his chin. Illumi ignored him. "Help me find out who did it."

Hisoka leaned forward. His forehead brushed Illumi's. His lips hovered close, so close. Air caught in Illumi's windpipe. "Too bad you're boring now, Illumi. If you want not to be, you know where I am." He pulled away and sauntered out of the room. "Don't bleed to death."

Illumi rolled his eyes.

"Why are you over all the time?" Killua's voice demanded.

"Because we're fucking."

 _What?_ Illumi contemplated stabbing him. Instead he pulled out his phone and wrote a short message. A promise. _I am going to kill you in the most painful way possible._


	6. Want

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading!

_He loves me, he loves me not._

Illumi woke up with those dumb lines from a stupid kids movie running through his head. He went down the stairs. Killua and Gon were asleep in Alluka's room; Leorio and Kurapika on the couch. Although judging by Kurapika's stiffness, he wasn't actually asleep. Probably plotting revenge or whatnot.

Illumi poured himself some coffee. _Killua, why?_ He didn't believe those three idiots mattered more to Killua than he did. He couldn't. It didn't make any sense. Illumi was the one who raised him. Illumi always thought Killua loved him more than anything else in the world.

" _Illumi, dear, don't tell him you love him so much," Mother advised. Killua was only about two and Illumi was reading to him. "He'll get spoiled. He's not to be sentimental or he'll be useless to the business."_

Illumi enraged his parents only once, and that was when Killua had an exam the next morning to see where he was in schooling. He was four years old and he couldn't sleep because he was worried, and came into Illumi's room, nudging him awake.

" _Go back to bed," Illumi told him._

" _No."_

_Illumi rolled over and pretended to be asleep. Maybe that would help Killua learn. If he didn't give into his demands. He couldn't spoil him._

" _Illumi." Killua poked him in the shoulder._ "Illumi."

_Illumi squeezed his eyes shut. And then a thwack. Killua hit him with a pillow. Illumi yelped. He was not expecting that from Killua._

" _I can't sleep," Killua said again, thumb in his mouth. Illumi reached out, removing Killua's thumb from his mouth. Mother said he shouldn't still be doing that._

" _You're fine," Illumi assured him. "Tests aren't scary. They don't_ —"

_Killua whacked him on the head again with the pillow._

" _Stop!"_

" _I don't want to." Killua raised the pillow again, and Illumi snatched one to block the blow._

 _Mother and Father heard them laughing. And that was it for them. Mother's words cut Illumi's core._ Irresponsible. Foolish. I thought you had the family's interests at heart. I thought we could trust you. I thought you cared about your brother. _All while Killua was there._

_Father never said a word. He just looked at Illumi, fourteen years old and with shame forming deep in his stomach, and he slapped Illumi hard across the face._

As Father should have done, Illumi told himself. He wasn't sure why he was remembering that now. His parents only did it because they loved him, and love meant wanting both Illumi and Killua to be the best they could be, and to help each other be better. Not waste time on frivolous pursuits. Like games.

_Killua loves Alluka more than you now, too._

Illumi clenched his jaw. He stomped to the basement, kicking open the door.

"The fuck?" moaned Milluki. The TV was still on, a video game paused.

"I'm going out for a few hours," Illumi informed him, hands on his hips. "You're in charge. No one leaves the house, you understand? Or I'll send you back to our parents." Which he should have done right away anyways.

"Fine." Milluki groaned.

"Don't let me down," Illumi said quietly, knowing those words were his father's and that they would awaken Milluki. He stormed out of the house, jumped behind the wheel of his car, and drove towards the gym. His stab wound barely hurt today. He'd be okay.

_Why doesn't he love me? How can he not see how much I love him?_

"Look who crawled out of the nursery," joked Chrollo as Illumi walked into the locker room.

"I have someone staying at my house who's after you, Lucilfer," Illumi said.

"Kurta boy?"

Illumi shrugged, changing. Chrollo eyed his bandage.

"I thought you'd be nursing your injury," called Hisoka's voice.

"No, I have to kick your ass after what you said to Killua last night," Illumi snapped. "I did warn you I'd kill you. In the most painful way possible."

"Ooh, sounds exciting." Hisoka stuck his head around the corner. "But I doubt it."

"Why did you say that?" Illumi demanded.

Hisoka rolled his neck, arching his eyebrows. "Because I knew you'd react precisely like this."

"Anything on Ging Freecss and his son?" Illumi asked Chrollo, ignoring Hisoka.

"Yeah," said Chrollo, pushing his hair back as he glanced down at his phone, selecting a playlist to work out to. "Ging Freecss is a talented politician but a dick of a father. He's the opposite of your parents. I don't think he's visited the kid in years. And he was of course illegitimate. The mom left right after his birth. I can have an article for you by the weekend if you pay me." He yawned. "It's really a rather boring story."

But advantageous for Illumi's father. "I'll transfer you the money."

"Sure." Chrollo shrugged and jogged out of the room. Illumi looked at Hisoka.

"You're really going to fight with blood loss?" asked Hisoka, shirtless and muscles rippling. He pushed his hair back from his head.

"It is not a bad wound, and I have to do _something_ ," said Illumi. "Kicking the shit out of you would at least be satisfactory."

"And what will you do when you fail?" Hisoka asked. Illumi stripped off his shirt and into his workout tank top. The bandage still oozed. He really should have gotten stitches.

"I won't fail." Illumi heard his father's voice echoing in his mind. He saw a dozen missed texts from his mother. Strings tightened around his windpipe. His knuckles throbbed as he reached for the phone. "I just have to respond first." It sounded robotic. Illumi typed out a response, brain not even putting the words together. _I'll call later_. So much left out. But it's not as if he could write _Hi, yes, Mother, Killua's taken in three street kids including the son of Father's rival._ He could picture her reaction and it wasn't anything Illumi wanted to handle right now.

 _I can win,_ Illumi told himself, facing Hisoka on the mat. _I can always win._

" _Failure," Father told him, hands cupping Illumi's five-year-old face when he lay panting on the ground, his ankle snapped in half. "Is not an option. Get up. We're walking home._ He didn't even have Milluki back then. It was just him, and his parents, and he remembered hearing Grandfather one night. _He's not sufficient._ So they had Milluki, and then Milluki, too, by five years old wasn't sufficient, and they had three more in successive years. They could have stopped after Killua, though. He was everything they needed. Wanted. Needed.

It was only natural that his parents preferred Killua. Illumi loved Killua most of all, too. He steeled his jaw.

Hisoka swung at him, and Illumi dodged. His side stung, but he pushed that out of his mind.

" _Do you have friends at college, Illumi?" Killua asked, staring up at him with huge blue eyes._

" _No," said Illumi, ruffling Kil's hair. "I have some mutually beneficial relationships. But you're all I need." The family._

Illumi landed a kick in Hisoka's abdomen. Hisoka grunted.

" _Good work, Illumi." Father nodded at him, and then went back to scrolling through his computer files._

" _Good work, Illumi."_

" _Good work."_

" _Illumi, well done."_

" _Strategic. Good job."_

" _Illumi, good work."_

Hisoka's fist collided with Illumi's jaw. His teeth clacked together. He staggered back.

" _Illumi, that's not fair!" Killua shouted. "Let Alluka out!"_

" _Good work."_

Illumi swung his legs to the side. Hisoka tripped. Illumi knocked him onto his side and grasped Hisoka's shoulders.

_Well done._

And then he felt sometime stabbing his thigh. Illumi glanced down. His eyes widened. _Oh_.

Hisoka shoved him back, slamming Illumi into the ground. He grinned, red hair dangling over golden eyes. "Secret weapon. I win."

Illumi wanted to glare at him, but his muscles felt frozen on his face. Like always. _"Don't show emotion," Mother would shriek._

He panted. Sweat stuck his hair to his temples. "Bastard."

"What can I do? Fighting turns me on." Hisoka leaned forward. His hand traced Illumi's side. "You're bleeding."

Illumi winced. He grabbed Hisoka's hand and shoved it away, staggering to his feet. The pain cut down his side. He didn't understand why it hurt so much. That busted ankle when he was five was nothing, and the wound wasn't even that deep. Maybe it was the lack of sleep, making everything sting and burn. "Don't tease me, Hisoka. I'm not your plaything."

"Everyone is, and you're already everyone else's plaything," Hisoka taunted.

This time, Illumi split Hisoka's lip. Hisoka grabbed him when he lunged again. Blood dribbled down Illumi's side. "If you don't leave the floor," Hisoka said. "You'll have to pay for cleaning." His thumbs rose, streaking blood down the side of Illumi's face.

 _So what?_ Illumi crossed his arms. He had the money. So what if he was everyone's tool? His father's tool. He was only a Zoldyck tool. They all were, all his siblings, his father, grandfather, mother, all of them sharpening the others, carving the best quality to serve the world.

His jaw ached, but he left.

* * *

Illumi showered back at the house, letting the water wash over him, steaming warm and mingling with blood in a pool at his feet.

_He loves me, he loves me not._

Illumi cussed, combing his hair and massaging anti-frizz into it. He grew it out again starting in college, once he was getting top grades and on track to graduate _summa cum laude_. He never once let his GPA dip below 4.0, and Father didn't seem to mind him having long hair once he was sure Illumi would take care of it and not look like some scum off the street. Father had long hair that he cared for. Killua's hair color. Illumi looked more like his mother.

Chrollo had texted. _I emailed Ging Freecss about his kid. He said if Gon was missing he was sure he was out having fun and would turn up eventually because he was a strong kid. Forwarded you the email. You're welcome._

Illumi blinked. He couldn't imagine the man's cavalier attitude. His parents gave everything to finding Killua when he ran away. He stepped out of the bathroom and heard voices in Alluka's room. Killua. And that blond boy, the Kurta. And Gon Freecss.

"You know you're the first friend I've ever had," Killua was saying. Illumi curled his fists. _You don't_ —

"I think you're the first friend I've ever had, too," Gon said, voice quiet. "It was lonely at my aunt's. If I can find my dad, then I thought I wouldn't be lonely, but now that you're here I'm less lonely already. I can't wait to find him."

Illumi glanced at his phone screen. The email rolled through. Dear fucking God, it was so—how could Ging Freecss not care that his kid was missing? Illumi's family had all the faith in Killua but he was still just fourteen years old.

Illumi's lips curved. He could easily use this against Ging Freecss. He didn't care, but the Zoldycks did. Illumi rubbed his temples, damp hair dribbling water down his fingers.

 _How?_ He still didn't understand.

_Ging Freecss doesn't love his kid._

_He loves him not._

_Why? How?_ Was something wrong with Gon, something Illumi could use against him?

"You had siblings," Leorio's voice pointed out.

Killua snorted. Illumi would know that snort anywhere. "Yeah, but Milluki just yells at me for interrupting his games, and Kalluto's preoccupied with sucking up to Mother, and Alluka was locked away, and Illumi's just like a puppet master. He fancies himself Father and he's not. If he could control my every thought he would."

"What a creep," said Leorio.

 _This_ creep _is giving you a roof over your head!_ Illumi waited for Killua to defend him. His heart thumped in his chest, too loud. He tried to quiet it. The beats only sounded louder. Gooseflesh rose. _I just want the best for you!_

_Killua?_

"He thinks he knows what I want more than me," said Killua. "Well, he doesn't. He only knows how to want what Mother and Father tell him to want. Which is to be the perfect son and control me."

 _That isn't true! I want_ — _I want_ —

_You to love me._

_He loves me not._

If Killua didn't love him, then— Illumi felt cold all over. His face, though, stayed impassive. The muscles hurt from freezing.

"They only care about the family reputation," said Killua. "And frankly they'd do anything for it. Lock Alluka up. Kill people if they had to, I'm sure."

"I understand family loyalty," whispered Kurapika. "Because of mine—what happened—my parents are gone now—they died because of events set in motion by that asshat—I'd kill him if I could." Vehemence laced the boy's voice. Illumi straightened. He pulled out his phone.

 _Kurta wants to kill you, like actually,_ he texted Chrollo.

 _Cool_ , replied Chrollo.

"Kurapika!" gasped Leorio.

"So what?" snapped Kurapika.

"So, I'd rather not visit you in jail! Those places creep me out—just the thought of them!"

"Visit?" Kurapika asked, voice odd.

"Yeah," said Leorio.

"So we'd still be friends? Because my family's friends all ditched them when—"

"Well, I don't know what kind of friends your family had, but they—of course we'd—"

 _You hardly know each other!_ Illumi wanted to yell. _You just met each other! How? Why?_ Something bubbled up inside of him, something acidic and consuming, something Illumi hadn't felt in—years.

Anger. And not the kind he could punch his way out of feeling. Illumi wanted to tear his hair and scream and even then, he felt like this furious feeling swarming him wouldn't leave him, like it would swallow him whole no matter what he did. Its teeth dug into him and he couldn't escape no matter what he did, how he breathed, what he focused on, he couldn't focus anyways, everything was falling.

_He loves me not._

* * *

_Do you think they're actually friends?_ Illumi texted Hisoka.

_? ? ?_

Illumi gritted his teeth, huddled in his room. Of course that dumbass clown wasn't going to make this easy for him.

 _I think Killua loves his friends more than he loves me,_ Illumi texted. He glanced at his emails, rubbing his temples. Father wanted an update. Of course. Biscuit Krueger's voice joined the other memories echoing in a cacophony inside his skull. _You're the exact opposite of a success._ Those pink eyes, lacerating him.

No response. Stupid clown. Illumi dragged himself down the stairs and found the four boys and Alluka sprawled in the living room, Gon and Killua hitting each other with pillows. Illumi froze.

"Oops," said Killua, dropping down onto the couch. His shoulders hunched. Gon's eyes widened and Kurapika took a step forward.

_Is Killua afraid of me?_

"You're making dinner tonight," Illumi stated. "All four of you." Not Alluka. He didn't trust her. "There are ingredients in the fridge; Canary dropped them off. Have it ready by seven." That gave them four hours.

"Sounds good." Killua swallowed.

Illumi turned on his heel and stalked back towards his room. _Why?_ He entered and paused. His eyes rolled. "Really?"

"Your fault for not closing the window." Hisoka swung himself over the sill. "Also, that tree is going to give anyone who wants to kill you a direct path into your room."

Illumi tilted his head to the side, hair cascading down his back. "So what?" He could handle them.

If he even cared.

_Killua doesn't love me._

_Why not? What can I do? I have to be able to do something, something, anything!_ Needles stabbed at his throat. But try as he might, he couldn't think of anything he hadn't tried already.

_Have I always known?_

_No!_

"Ah, this is an interesting state to see you in," commented Hisoka. "Your monotone is almost breaking."

Illumi glanced sharply at him. "Sorry I'm less fun." _Since everything's been a lie_ — _no, no, it can't be_ — _it is_ — _it_ —

"On the contrary." Hisoka rested his chin on his fist. "I knew this 'mom' thing would bring out new aspects of you, Illumi, but I didn't expect you to—"

"Shut up," said Illumi.

Hisoka laughed. "I don't think I've ever heard you mad before. It's sexy."

Illumi focused on the plain oak of the closet door. "Is it?"

Hisoka shrugged. "What can I say? Conflict and change turn me on."

_Why? Aren't you monotone? Always interested? Always joking? Always looking for a challenge? Always, always, always the same?_

_Are you ever surprised? Or is that something you just chase_?

Illumi sat down on the other side of the bed. "I almost…" ... _wish._

_I almost wish I had a friend._

"I don't know if I've ever wanted anything," Illumi said instead.

Hisoka snorted.

 _You only ever want. But you chase. You never get_.

Hisoka tilted his head, golden eyes snapping. And Illumi turned and stared at them, at him. His heart pounded again. _Why not_?

"You're going to have to be more specific," Hisoka said. "What do you want?"

Illumi scowled. He got to his feet and walked to the man, hair styled perfectly and gelled within an inch of its life, makeup still on his face. He leaned down. Hisoka's eyes betrayed only the slightest hint of a surprise. They narrowed into golden slits. Illumi shut his. His lips brushed Hisoka's. He pulled away.

"I can't say that was what I was expecting," Hisoka taunted.

Illumi frowned.

"That's a pretty pathetic kiss, though," said Hisoka. "You should kiss like you actually mean it, if you mean it."

"Mean what?" asked Illumi. Love? He had no concept of romance. Just the mechanics.

"Like you want something out of it," Hisoka answered. He drummed his fingers on the quilt.

Illumi could smack him. He dove down again, this time forcing Hisoka's mouth open with his lips. And Hisoka responded, mouth pulling against his, hand encircling Illumi's skull, digging through his hair. He pulled Illumi down onto the bed, one hand clutching Illumi's wrist as he explored Illumi's mouth, his jaw, his neck. Illumi pushed back. _I want_ — _I want_ — _this_. Skin warm against his, Hisoka's fist clenched against his arm, his hair getting mussed. He didn't want to feel alone.

Illumi pushed Hisoka down, clinging to Hisoka's broad shoulders now. Hisoka let out a moan as Illumi's teeth nipped his neck. "Is this really okay, Mr. Mom?"

Illumi pulled up, staring down at Hisoka. His hair fell around them. Hisoka was smirking, mouth open, panting. "The walls are pretty thick."

"Okay then." Hisoka snickered. "Because I can tell you're excited."

 _Oh._ Illumi shrugged. Something pulsated through him—something familiar, like all the times he'd undressed for partners before, but something else too. His heartbeat still echoed in his ears. He yanked Hisoka's shirt up.

"Impatient." Hisoka was teasing. Of course he was. And Illumi didn't want him to stop. He just wanted—warmth.

And then Illumi's side ached again. "Weren't you yelling at me for fighting earlier?" he rasped, Hisoka's nails scratching him as he pulled Illumi's shirt apart. Buttons scattered. Illumi glowered at him. That was expensive.

"Oops."

Illumi shifted so that he was lying on his back. He yanked Hisoka on top of him. Hisoka's eyebrows rose. _Not expecting that_?

"You know," Hisoka said, pulling Illumi's pants down with one hand, the other scraping his side, stopping short of his wound. "You can still surprise me."

"I have condoms in my desk," Illumi managed.

Hisoka nodded, rolling off quickly to undress and roll one on. His lips met Illumi's again then, and Illumi sucked in his breath. Hisoka's teeth clacked against his when he started, and his eyes quickly opened to meet Illumi's, as if to check if it was okay. Illumi let out his breath. His lips worked the nape of Hisoka's neck, the skin on his chest. Hisoka kept muttering his name, clutching Illumi's body against his own as his hair fell in red tendrils dangling around his face. Illumi arched his neck as his muscles clamped and he looked back, back, but all he could see was Hisoka's smirk and the smudged makeup on his cheeks and all he felt was sweat and Hisoka's weight and something sparking inside him, and for a moment, like things might be all right, more than all right—might be good.

And then it flitted away, leaving Illumi lying there gasping, hair strewn around him, sweat dampening his temples. _What did I just do?_

He never had to consider his actions before. Not like this.

"You're not bad," Hisoka commented.

Illumi narrowed his eyes, turning to face him. Hisoka's hair hung down, falling out of its gel prison. He kept his eyes fixed on Illumi.

"I'm just saying I enjoyed that," said Hisoka.

Did _he_ enjoy it? Illumi frowned. Yes. But… he didn't know what to do now. It wasn't a business transaction. He didn't even know what he wanted from Hisoka now.

"Worried about what your parents think?" mocked Hisoka.

"Hm?" Illumi propped himself up on an elbow. "They could hardly care whom I fuck." They would only care that he succeed in his work.

"How odd." Hisoka rested his finger on his chin, contemplating. "I thought they'd like to control every aspect of your life down to what you did with your dick."

Illumi stared at Hisoka. Was this what he usually did after sex? What this what people usually did?

"You're a puppet," Hisoka commented.

"Struggling to know how to play me now?" Illumi gulped. Why had he said that out loud? "I had sex with you because I wanted to. You had sex with me—why? Because it's the only way you can feel anything?"

Now Hisoka sat up, lips thinning as he stared Illumi down. Illumi noticed pink marks, future bruises, all along Hisoka's neck, down his pec.

"I don't mind," said Illumi. "Not being a puppet, nor you being a hunter." _But I'm not prey, and you don't know what to do with me. I could take you or leave you. I'm not hopelessly besotted nor am I happy to think about this one time forever._

"Ah, you're back," said Hisoka. "The Illumi who's dead inside, I mean."

Illumi didn't understand. "I have a family."

"You have a family," Hisoka commented. "Who control your strings. Can't you see that the reason you love Killua so much is because he's the only one who never tried to control you?"

Illumi's chest heaved. That wasn't true. "Kalluto—Milluki—"

"You treat Alluka like subhuman because your parents do that. Kalluto and Milluki aren't important so they don't matter to you as much as Killua either."

Hisoka had no idea what to do with him, so he wanted to try to tear Illumi apart. Well, two could play this game. "I have a family," Illumi repeated. "You have-what? Excitement? Aren't you dead inside too?"

Hisoka's fingers tightened around the blank sheets as if Illumi's words were needling him a bit too much. "Is this how you react every time you lose control?"

Illumi's jaw dropped. _Lose control_? He had no control underneath Hisoka. No, that wasn't true. He could have, if he'd wanted it. And now—why was Hisoka shredding him with his words? "Why do you keep showing up all the time?"

Hisoka leaned over. His fingers traced Illumi's cheekbone. "Because," he said. "I can't grasp onto your strings."

 _We're two dead men_.

_We're two living men._

Killua didn't love him. And Illumi had no idea how to go forward. And what happened when Hisoka lost all excitement, when he reached the end of his rope?

The door flung open. "Hey, Illumi," said Killua. "Where is the—WHAT THE _FUCK?!"  
_

The door slammed and Illumi just heard Killua screaming his way down the stairs.


	7. Loss

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Be forewarned there is a brief mention of past animal cruelty this chapter.

Illumi had graduated from Killua glaring at him to Killua not even looking at him. His brother stared at his food, at the table, at Gon and Kurapika and Leorio, at Alluka, at freaking Kalluto and Milluki, but not at him. Killua did whisper to Gon, though, and Gon cast Illumi a shocked look.

Illumi stared at his food. It was edible curry, but he couldn't shake what happened. He had sex with Hisoka and he wanted to again. And Killua didn't love him. And he still felt naked even with clothes on.

"Killua," Illumi started after dinner, when he forced Kalluto to clean up.

"I don't want to talk about you doing gross things with Hisoka," said Killua, heading past with his hands stuffed in his pockets.

 _That isn't what I want to talk about._  But Illumi couldn't bring himself to call out after his brother.

_What does family mean to you?_

Illumi watched Kurapika stare out the window, up at a starless sky.  _Did you mean it, that you would kill Chrollo?_ He couldn't blame Kurapika. If someone tried to hurt anyone in his family, he'd hurt them. Maybe he could give Kurapika Chrollo's information.

Alluka's laugh rang from the basement. Illumi folded his arms.

 _He's not family, Father_  would say.  _No son of mine is so hopelessly broken._

 _She's not your son_ , Illumi thought.  _She's your daughter._

Hisoka never brought up his family. Illumi wondered if he cared at all about them. He doubted it. Were they boring? Cruel? Rich? Poor? Authoritarian? Did they care about him? Had he even had one?

Illumi pulled out his phone and texted Hisoka.  _What's your family like?_

 _I don't think about the past,_  Hisoka responded.  _Why are you asking?_

He didn't respond.  _Why are you alive?_  Illumi wondered.  _Why am I?_

Leorio huffed as he dragged out a textbook. Illumi cocked his head. "What's that?"

Leorio furrowed his brow, peering up at Illumi. "I want to get into med school."

"Hard to do that from the streets," commented Kurapika.

Leorio scowled at him. "One of my friends died of cancer once—he couldn't afford treatment, and I couldn't do anything to save him. I want to help people like him. For free. I never want to feel that helpless again."

Illumi thought of that elderly couple he'd turned down for insurance. His stomach lurched.

"I'll get there somehow," Leorio vowed, focusing on the text lining the books. "No matter what."

"My parents died in a crash when I snuck out one night," said Kurapika. "My best friend was with them. But there's nothing I can do to prevent that from happening to someone else's family besides stopping that fucking Lucilfer."

"Kurapika," said Leorio. "Weren't they drunk?"

"Father only started drinking because of how Lucilfer ruined them," said Kurapika. His eyes flashed scarlet.

Illumi extracted himself from the conversation, heading up the stairs. He lay down on his bed, still rumpled from him and Hisoka. Illumi closed his eyes.

" _You can't always help the sick," Father told him. "Don't pity them, Illumi."_

Illumi remembered the puppy his parents had him care for. He wasn't allowed to name it. After a few weeks Father broke its leg and Illumi wasn't allowed to cry, or care for it. He had to lock it out of the house. The puppy had white fluffy fur, like Killua's hair.

Killua said no. They never had to try the puppy trick on him. They had Alluka. And Killua said no. He fought for Alluka. He still fought for Alluka.

Illumi rolled over and tried to sleep.

He awake to the sound of pounding on the door. Illumi scrambled up, still dressed in last night's clothes, racing down the stairs. He flung it open to find Biscuit Krueger standing there. With Killua, splattered in blood and with a hollow look in his eyes.

"What the hell?" Illumi burst out. "Killua—"

"He was out with his friend," said Biscuit. "Who is now in the hospital, stabbed by—"

"The same person who stabbed you," blurted out Killua.

Illumi's head swam. Killua—snuck out? Friend—Gon? The same person? Why did Killua—for him? Did he care after all? He didn't understand. He didn't understand at all. Not at all.  _Killua..._

"We're talking," said Biscuit. "Now." She glared at Illumi.

He followed her to the kitchen. Kurapika and Leorio woke up in the living room, whispering. Kalluto's door cracked open.

"Really?" Biscuit demanded the moment they were in the kitchen. Illumi went to make coffee. "Don't!"

Illumi frowned.

"You have three runaways staying and you can't even control your brother?"

Illumi curled his fists. "Am I supposed to stay up all night every night?" Okay, so he'd tried that.

"Well, now that kid is hovering between life and death, and you—you were stabbed? And you didn't even call the police knowing there could be a threat to your siblings?" Biscuit's voice rose.

Illumi's hand drifted to his side. Words deserted him. No, no, they couldn't, now now. He opened his mouth.

"You're completely unfit," Biscuit informed him. "To raise them. I'll start proceedings later today."

Illumi's jaw dropped. He lunged, grabbing her arm. "No."

"Get your hand off me."

Illumi shook his head, but he released her. "What was I supposed to do?" he demanded. "Lock Killua in his room? I—you  _can't_  take them away."  _You don't get to._  They were  _his_  siblings.

"I can, because it's a clear risk to their—"

"Tell me what to do, then!" Illumi hissed. "And I'll do it! You are not taking my siblings away and putting them with strangers. We're family. We need each other."

Biscuit tilted her head, studying him. Illumi gritted his teeth. He couldn't lose them. He wouldn't. Without them— "You realize harboring runaways is a crime."

Illumi exhaled. "Leorio Paladknight is of age. Kurapika is seventeen and an orphan. Gon is—"

"Fourteen and has an aunt, and a father," finished Biscuit. "If you wanted custody of them, Illumi, that isn't how to get it."

Illumi's cheeks flamed. "How do I get custody?"

"After this? You'll never get it. If you get to keep custody of your siblings it'll be a miracle."

Illumi clutched the counter so hard his knuckles cracked. "But you'll try to help that happen."

"I'll see what I think is best for the kids."

"It's not Illumi's fault," came a quick voice. Illumi turned. Kurapika stood there, blond hair smooth despite having just been asleep. "If he turned us in, we'd have run—"

"That isn't helping his case," Biscuit informed him. "Kids shouldn't have the reins—"

"They don't," Illumi snapped. "I have the strings."

"And I suppose—"

"He has rules," Leorio said, appearing. "Like, a lot of them."

"If you try to take me away, I won't go," said a voice. Illumi turned to see Kalluto standing in his doorway, still in pajamas, quiet fury sizzling in his tone.

Biscuit exhaled. "I can try to see what I can do, Illumi, but I can't promise anything. You're in deep trouble here."

She left, the door clicking behind her. Illumi turned and stormed out of the kitchen and into the living room, where he found Alluka cowering and Killua curled up next to her, his head pressed against his knees, shoulders shaking. "What happened, Kil?" Illumi barked.

"I went to convince them to—"

"To what?" Illumi asked.

"Gon wanted to—"

"Did you do this on purpose?" Illumi managed. "To make me lose custody?"  _Do you hate me that much, Kil?_

 _I love you. I still love you. I'd do anything to make you love me too._ Panic swarmed him, gnawing at his fingers.

"Are you that narcissistic?" burst out Killua, leaping to his feet. Blood stained his shirt in uneven splotches, crimson drying brown. "You think I'd want my friend to get hurt? The first friend I've ever had?" His voice cracked. "I can't be  _you_ , Illumi. Content without friends. I want to be Gon's friend. I don't even—I just want him to be okay. I'm not cold or unfeeling or cruel and  _I don't want to be!_  I don't care what you or Father want! We can't all be  _you_!  _He's my precious friend!"_

That's _what you think of me?_

_And it's not a good thing._

His words punched Illumi in the gut. Killua turned and raced up the stairs, sneakers thumping against wood. Milluki emerged from the basement and Alluka ran after Killua.

 _But then you'll never be able to take over the family business_ , Illumi thought.  _You don't want to, do you?_

_You don't want to be part of this family. You don't love us. Except Alluka._

Kalluto slammed his door so hard the walls rattled.

Illumi turned and locked the front door. "No one leaves without asking."

Leorio nodded. Illumi pulled out his phone and texted Hisoka.  _I need a favor._

* * *

Hisoka said nothing when he arrived to take Killua and Alluka to visit Gon. Illumi nodded at him. He had nothing to offer Hisoka in return. Sex, maybe later. But the thought made him tired, and Hisoka wasn't even smirking.

"Does his father know?" asked Kurapika.

"Dunno," said Leorio. "Hey, Illumi. If you wanted to dull the situation, maybe you could talk to Ging Freecss—explain—"

"My father is his rival," Illumi stated, staring into his cup of black coffee. "It's a terrible idea."

"What were they thinking, going to talk to the ant crew by themselves?" demanded Kurapika.

"The what?" Illumi lasered Kurapika with a glare.

"They do some seedy work," said Leorio. "For hire. And isn't it obvious what they were trying to do, Kurapika?"

Kurapika cast him a disgruntled look. His nose wrinkled. "I don't—"

Leorio pushed his glasses back up his own nose. He glanced down at his shoes.

"Someone tell me," Illumi requested. "Considering one of them tried to stab me."  _Killua wouldn't have_ — _right?_ That would be too cold for his brother.

 _You never wanted him to be cold, did you?_  He only ever wanted—Killua to love him. Kalluto to love him. Milluki. Mother. Father.

_I wanted a family._

He thought of Gon from yesterday, talking about his father. Well, this was surely not how Gon intended to meet his father. But he might as well make it happen. Maybe then. Maybe then, Killua would look at him without so much loathing.

Illumi rose. "Milluki will watch Kalluto. I'm going to see Ging Freecss."

Leorio leapt to his feet. "Can we come too?"

Kurapika nodded, face pale. His eyes kept darting to Leorio, as if trying to decipher what he meant. Illumi couldn't bring himself to care so long as it didn't have to do with him.

"Fine," said Illumi.

Five minutes later and he was regretting his life choices when Leorio complained about his refusal to turn on the radio. His phone lit up with texts from his parents. Illumi refused to check them, not until this was over. He'd have to swallow his rivalry with the man. Or his father's rivalry. But in their family, a rivalry with one was a rivalry with the other.

"Tell Ging Freecss Illumi Zoldyck is here to see him," Illumi informed the man's secretary. "And that it's about his son, and it's urgent."

But still, almost a half hour passed. Kurapika cursed. Leorio paced. Illumi sat. Waiting was nothing to him.

But when Ging Freecss finally came to meet him, the man simple issued a smile. "What a surprise! I—"

"Your son's been stabbed," Illumi interrupted.

"Yes, I'm aware," said Ging. "That lady was here earlier. Krueger. Mito, my cousin, is on her way."

"He was staying with me," Illumi said. "He's… friends with my brother." The word sounded odd, echoing around him.

"Ah, well," said Ging, scratching his neck. "That's peculiar, given our situations, but I'm glad to hear it." He held out his hand.

Illumi stared at it.

"Hey, aren't you going to go visit him?" interrupted Leorio. "You know, since the doctors aren't sure if he'll even make it?"

"He'll make it," Ging said. "He's a strong boy."

Illumi tried to imagine his mother's reaction if Killua was stabbed. Screaming, hysterics, fainting. Father would personally hunt down whoever had done it. He rubbed his brow. "Are the doctors texting you?"

"Hm?" Ging frowned. "No. They'll call if it's important, I'm sure. Feel free to ask them to text you, though, if you'd like, since he was staying with you."

Kurapika's jaw hung open. His eyes shone scarlet.

"You," breathed Leorio. "You—really don't care  _at all?"_

"I have faith in him," Ging said with a simply smile. "He's a strong boy. Has he said he wants me to visit?"

"He can't speak; he's unconscious!" shouted Leorio.

"Ah." Ging rocked back. "Yes, I think Krueger mentioned that. Well, I'm glad you are there for him. And your brother too, right, Zoldyck? Who would've thought my son and Silva's would be good friends? Funny how the world works." He chuckled.

"You damned  _bastard!"_  Leorio's fist shot out before Illumi could even blink. It clocked Ging in the nose, sending him stumbling back. Blood spurted from his nose.

 _You_ — _don't_ — _care._ Illumi couldn't even fathom it. Parents not caring? How?

"You can go to hell!" Leorio shouted. He turned and stormed off, Kurapika gaping and shaking his head.

 _You don't care_. Illumi stared down at the man, rubbing his nose. Blood smeared his sleeve. He thought of Killua, stained in Gon's blood.  _You actually don't care._

 _You're not worth my time._ Illumi stepped over Ging on his way out.

"We can't tell Gon," Leorio said in the car.

"He'll find out anyways," Illumi pointed out.

Kurapika sighed, leaning his head against the window. Leorio reached for the radio switch and Illumi cast him a look that would have killed skinned and buried him if looks could kill. Leorio buried his face in his hands, crying. For Gon. Because, they were friends.

When Illumi pulled up, his phone rang. He glanced down at it. Mother. He might as well answer now. He tossed the keys to Kurapika, the responsible-if-murdery one. "Hello?"

"Glad to hear you still take my calls," Mother sniffed.

"I apologize," Illumi said, leaning back against the car. "It's been a hectic day."

"Walk three houses down and turn the corner."

"Hm?" Illumi straightened, turning around. His heart rate stayed the same, but his nerves tingled throughout his body. "Are you—"

"Yes, Illumi," Father stated. "It's technically just over the meter limit we're supposed to keep away from the other kids."

Illumi's hands felt cold. The phone burned against his cheek. He took a step forward. He could only imagine with Biscuit Krueger would say if she found out. She'd kill him. Or take them away for sure. And Illumi couldn't lose them. But he couldn't deny his parents, and obviously, they had found out what a mess he'd made. "On my way."

He hung up. Songbirds chirped and Illumi wanted to shoot them, make them shut the fuck up. He rounded the corner and found his parents sitting in their black SUV. Illumi opened the door and slipped into the backseat. The window stayed open, warm air contrasting with the ice in the vehicle.

"Illumi," Father said, eyes narrowing. That look—it reminded Illumi of his face the time he'd slapped Illumi. Illumi glanced behind him to see his grandfather in the very backseat.

"I know," Illumi said, shame biting his stomach. "I'm sorry—Killua said that he wouldn't stay if his friends didn't. I'll fix it. I promise."

Mother reached for him. "It's so good to see you." Her voice wavered. "Killua—Kalluto—"

"They're okay," Illumi said quickly. "Killua's concerned about Gon Freecss, but his father isn't." Father would like this. It could help him, certainly. He relayed the story of their encounter.

"Well, that doesn't actually help unless Silva and Kikyo also have custody of their children," Grandfather said. His eyes bored into Illumi, but they held a different look than his parents' eyes. Illumi didn't understand.

"They will," Illumi insisted. "Soon enough, right? Your lawyers—"

"You need to convince Killua—break that brainwashing!" Mother shrieked. Her voice cut at Illumi's eardrums, shrill and sharp and desperate. "He's convinced we're—Alluka is—make that boy do something; you know how to prove what a danger he is! You did it before, Illumi, I know you can do it again!"

Provoke Alluka into trying to stab out a liver again? Illumi thought of Leorio, or Kurapika. That could work. And then he remembered Killua's words.

_Not all of us are you. He's my friend._

_He doesn't love me._

"You're wasting time," Father growled. His hand shot out, gripping Illumi's shoulder tight enough to bruise. Illumi refused to cringe or give any sign of pain. "You're letting us down, Illumi. The Zoldyck name. Our entire family."

 _Huh?_  Illumi felt like the car was sucked into a tornado and the words kept whirring around his brain echoing and echoing and echoing, pressure crushing him bones and veins and muscles and organs. "I've never failed you," he eked out.

"You're failing now," Father said sternly. Grandfather leaned back, expressionless.

 _What? Why? I didn't lock Alluka_ — _well_ — _I might as well have_ — "What if I tell them I came up with the idea to lock Alluka up after all?" Illumi ventured. Then Killua could hate him, but his parents could have Killua back.

"That wouldn't work." Mother huffed. Father arched an eyebrow.

 _I don't know what to do. I don't know how to fix this._ Illumi gulped. It would be hard to make that convincing, but it had a shot.

"I'm beginning to wonder how much the family actually means to you, Illumi dear," Mother said.

"Everything!" Illumi protested. "It's everything to me!"  _My entire life_ — _everything I have_ — _Mother, Father, Killua doesn't love me; I don't even know if he loves you! And I can't make him, no matter what I do!_

Maybe his parents could. Maybe he really was worthless to them, to all of them. The family didn't need him. They needed Killua. "Killua is what you need," Illumi said. "If I can convince him Alluka is my fault, then—" His voice almost caught, but he stopped it. His father wouldn't tolerate that much weakness from his eldest son. The son he cast aside for Killua. Not that Illumi minded—Killua was the talented one—Killua—Killua—

_He already hates me._

But to cement that hatred in Killua's eyes, when Illumi loved him so, when his chest felt full and his limbs felt light whenever he thought of his brother—nausea churned. He thought of Hisoka. He'd go to jail and Hisoka surely wasn't going to visit him in prison. And it'd be a scandal too—was there no way out of that—but at least it would beat Ging Freecss not caring. His parents trying to save their children from him, a manipulative terrible brother. It'd be noble.

 _You want me to do this, don't you? Despite your protests_. Illumi met his father's eyes, and saw ice.  _You want me to find a way to make this work._

 _I don't matter to you. No, I do. I can only do things for you, and I matter in terms of that_.

Killua was different. Always different. Illumi had to do everything for him, but he didn't demand. He hugged Illumi when he was a toddler, before Illumi had to break him of that habit.

He'd give anything for Killua to hug him again. And Alluka… to traumatize her again… Killua would never hug him again. Even if it was for the family's good.

Mother opened the car door. Illumi took the hint and slid out.

"Figure it out," Father told him. "We trust you to do the right thing. Or you will be as useless to this family as Alluka is, less than my son."

Illumi nodded. He felt like cinderblocks were weighing down his lungs. He couldn't breathe.

They drove off, leaving Illumi staring after them.

_I don't want to._

_I have to._

_I'm your son_ — _don't_ — _how can you_ — _I'm your son, your son, I've done everything for you, my entire life_ — _how could you_ — _what do I want_ — _it doesn't matter_ — _Father, Father, Father, Grandfather, Mother, love me, love me, love ME!_

He turned, trees all blurring together, and he saw Hisoka leaning against the street sign, arms crossed over his chest.


	8. Matter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading!

"Did you hear that?" Illumi demanded. The wind's cold fingers dug into his hair.

Hisoka lifted his shoulders. "Sounds like they're serious."

"They're always serious." Illumi glanced down the street, though the car was long gone and no fumes even remained. He gulped. All of the neat pillars of his world, elaborately carved to within an inch of their lives and fortified to withstand the strongest hurricane he could imagine, couldn't handle this, and he didn't understand why everything was crumbling. What hadn't he done? What had he done wrong? Why was he left grasping for air despite having Killua and Kalluto and Milluki directly under his roof?

They were his _life_. His family. All that mattered. All that had ever mattered, and he was failing them, and he didn't know how to fix it.

"Bitches," commented Hisoka.

"Huh?" Illumi blinked.

Hisoka arched his brows. "They're fucked up."

Illumi glared at him. The wind blew colder. "They are not." _I'm the fuck-up_.

Hisoka snorted. "Fine. It's awfully fun to watch you self-destruct."

"You're one to talk." Illumi stalked past him.

"At least I have fun doing it!" Hisoka hollered.

Illumi spun on his heel. "Do you? Do you really? Or do you just want to find something to convince you life is worth living?"

"I don't concern myself with such questions. It is. For fun." Hisoka caught up to him. "And for surprises." He flicked his fingernails. "Family doesn't seem to be making you think life's worth living. It seems to make you consider what's worth dying for."

Illumi could kick him. But he saw a spark glitter in Hisoka's eyes. He was trying to provoke him. _Why_? "Liar."

Hisoka ignored him. "Gon isn't doing well."

Illumi tried to shake the conversation off. He couldn't. "His dad doesn't give a shit."

Hisoka's eyes narrowed.

 _You just view him as a plaything, a potential challenger in the future_. Illumi wondered if Hisoka had any idea what it was like not to consider everyone you cared for a doll.

He wondered if he had any idea, himself. The loneliness chafed at him, scraping at his bones.

Illumi entered the house to find Kurapika and Leorio huddled around Killua, who was crying. Alluka sat in the corner, glancing at Kalluto, who ignored her just like Killua ignored Kalluto. Milluki stood in the kitchen, grabbing potato chips.

"Kil," said Illumi.

Killua didn't look up.

 _You love him._ Illumi's fists tightened.

 _Gon_ is _your friend._

 _What would that be like?_ Illumi had never had a friend. He glanced at Hisoka again. _Are we friends? Friends with benefits? Boyfriends?_ Did it matter? No, and yes. Illumi liked clarity. He stared out the window, at the weakening sunlight.

His phone rang. Illumi answered to hear Biscuit Krueger on the line. For a moment he wondered if she'd found out about his meeting with his parents, but she didn't bother with niceties. "You get to keep them. For now."

Illumi exhaled. It seemed strange, but he didn't know what else to say. "Thank you."

Biscuit snorted. "I spoke with Ging Freecss."

"He doesn't care."

"I heard you went to see him too." She cleared her throat. "I'm impressed. I spoke with Mito, and she stated that until she gets there you have power of attorney over Gon."

"Huh?" Illumi didn't understand.

"Her flight was delayed." Biscuit's voice sharpened. "Since you wanted custody, you're technically in charge of Gon and Kurapika right now."

Illumi closed his eyes. "Fine." In charge… of what? Of nothing. He examined his hand, covered in scabs now. Killua hated him. Kurapika and Leorio tolerated him. Kalluto was inscrutable. Milluki would rather spend time with a doll.

"You're all going to bed early," Illumi informed his siblings. And… foster kids. And Leorio. "I'll wake you if the doctor calls." Great, no sleep again.

Hisoka lounged in an armchair. Illumi didn't bother to ask him to leave. He ordered pizza for his siblings. His parents would not approve. Once they were all in bed, Illumi turned to Hisoka. "Why are you here?"

Hisoka shrugged, drinking a beer. Illumi had declined. "It's interesting."

"Let me rephrase," Illumi stated, smoothing his hair. "What are you getting from being here, now that I let you fuck me? Do you want me to fuck you or what?"

Hisoka snorted. "I wouldn't say no."

"I doubt it'd be that interesting." Both of them kept their voices low.

"You're interesting," said Hisoka, spinning the now-empty bottle on the countertop. "Especially now that everything's falling apart around you."

"I am not so fragile."

"If you say so." Hisoka drummed his fingers against the counter.

"And if I were to somehow take away the games you like to play," said Illumi. "Would you be interesting?"

"Are you saying I'm boring?"

"No." Illumi felt cold again and he hated it. Well, he could fix that. He stepped towards Hisoka. They were so close to the same height. Hisoka's lips curved. Illumi pressed his lips against Hisoka's, shoving him back against the counter. The drawer handles had to be pressing into Hisoka, but he didn't act as if he minded. His teeth nipped at Illumi's tongue. _I don't want to be cold. I don't want to be alone._ He wished he could wake up, forget what it was like to feel alone, because he thought he wasn't until now.

He didn't trust Hisoka. He couldn't. But Hisoka was strong. Hisoka hoisted himself up on the counter and bent down, his mouth wet and sloppy against Illumi's, his breath hot, chasing ghosts away. He tugged Illumi's hair. It stung.

"I didn't realize you were so desperate," Hisoka panted.

"Shut up," said Illumi, heart picking up pace again. He did not want to think about that.

"Yo, Illumi," said Milluki.

 _Fuck! Why does this keep happening? Can't I even control this_? Illumi whirled around. Cool air brushed his flaming cheeks.

His brother leaned back against the doorframe, eyes darting between Illumi and Hisoka. "Man, I thought Killua was full of it."

So he had told. Illumi contemplated smacking Killua.

"At least I'm alive instead of being one of those dolls you like to fuck," Hisoka said calmly.

"It's debatable whether you're alive," Illumi retorted.

"Whatever." Milluki rolled his eyes. "I want to talk to you, Illumi."

"About what?"

"I know Mother and Father have been in contact with you, okay? They're in contact with me too." Milluki produced a second phone, a silver one instead of the one he usually carried around as a third hand.

Illumi frowned. Why hadn't his parents told him that? "Okay."

"Really, I'm on the edge of my seat with this information," Hisoka drawled. He ran his hand over his hair.

"They want you to lose custody," Milluki blurted out.

Illumi crossed his arms. "I know. They want their kids back; can you blame them? We're everything to them."

"They asked me to pay Pitou from the ant gang to stab you," said Milluki. "They thought if you were hurt and they came and took care of—"

"Are you serious?" Hisoka asked, arching an eyebrow. His gaze flicked to Illumi. And for once, it didn't sound like his voice concealed a laugh.

"Pitou needed money," said Milluki with a shrug. "Anyways, they asked it not to be dangerous, of course, so—"

 _My parents… ordered me stabbed?_ Illumi's hand rested over his side. It throbbed, but the pain was only a ghost now. His heart pounded, but the organ felt restricted, tightened with chains, needles stabbing into his chest wall. He tried to swallow. He couldn't.

They had a reason. It was a bit desperate of a plan, perhaps, but they were trying to do the right thing—get their kids back. And sacrificing himself for the family was something he never would protest. "Why didn't they tell me?" Illumi managed.

"They thought it better you didn't know."

"I'm not stupid enough to blow it, though."

"Hm?" asked Hisoka, brow furrowing. " _That's_ your biggest problem with this? That they thought you might blow it?"

Illumi didn't know what to say. "Yes." Of course it was. He trusted his parents. His family was his life.

"I'm sorry," Milluki said.

"Why are you telling me?" Illumi burst out. "If Mother and Father told you not to, then—"

"Because…" Milluki scratched his head. "If we go back they might lock Alluka up again and she's kinda helpful when it comes to my games. And she's fun when she's not crazy."

"This is all about your stupid game?" Illumi's voice rose. Someone stirred in the living room.

"Correction; I believe it's about Alluka," Hisoka said, tossing a card up in the air and catching it..

"Shut up!" _They don't love me. They don't love me either. They just want Killua_ — _they love_ — _they just want_ — _they want_ — _control._ "It's fine," Illumi said. His voice wobbled. He couldn't stop it. "It's fine." Now his voice was strong. Fortified. He turned and walked out of the room.

"Okay," Milluki said.

Illumi made it to his room. Footsteps echoed behind him. Hisoka shut the door. Illumi doubled over on the bed. Fuck, why was his side hurting more now? Why? Why? Why? Why?

"I'm a failure," he said. "I can't keep this family together."

"Maybe you should just say fuck it," Hisoka suggested with a shrug. "Destroy it all."

"They're my everything!" Illumi glared at him. He curled his fist and sent it into his knee. "My—entire life is for them, everything is for them, it's what they taught me, to support them, them, them, my parents, my grandfather, my siblings, the business, their business—them, them, them." His voice cracked. "They had a reason—it's fine."

"I've never seen _this_ side of you before," said Hisoka, sitting down across from him and studying Illumi with those inscrutable golden eyes.

"What side?" Illumi demanded.

"Beyond desperate," answered Hisoka. "And unsatisfied."

"I am not!"

"I have seen you lie before so that's nothing new. Especially to yourself, you fucked-up piece of work, you."

"Excuse me?" Illumi felt as if his face was burning, his eyes stinging and burning.

"You can find something else to live for," Hisoka said. "Fun, or—"

"No!" Illumi shouted. He cursed, lowering his voice. He shook all over. "No, no, I can't—" His mind swum with memories, wrapping around his throat, choking him, flooding his lungs, drowning him. His brain felt fuzzy. His face felt wet. "Killua—before Killua—Killua made me feel—Killua—before him I knew all the correct answers about—supporting the family, giving it my all, the importance of—but when Killua was born it was like I actually understood it. I believed it. Killua made being in the family worth it, made life—he _loved_ me." Illumi's skull felt as if it was made of lead. It hung low, hair covering his face, disguising him, but the words, they still came streaming out, cutting him along the way, bleeding out of him. Something dripped onto his hands.

"I just—wanted to matter to someone. I matter insofar as I can protect the family. Insofar as I can protect Killua. He'd realize it eventually. Even if I wasn't the heir anymore, even if I wasn't worth it, if he was, and he loved me—but—" _He doesn't love me_. He thought of Alluka. "And— it's my fault. He doesn't love me and it's my fault—I let him down somehow, I—"

"You didn't want your parents to get Milluki to pay for you to be stabbed."

"If it was the right—"

"Oh, cut the shit," said Hisoka. "God, you're insufferable, you know that, Illumi? Broken toys are dull, and so are robots. Use your brain for once on your own. You didn't want to be stabbed."

"I want to matter to them. To my family." Illumi wiped at his eyes. _Am I_ crying?

He didn't remember ever having cried before. He must have as an infant.

"Well, you don't," said Hisoka. "You're an object. If you were like Alluka they'd lock you up. You're a tool."

"Shut up!" Illumi's fist shot out. Hisoka dodged it. "I'm not like—like—"

"Yeah," said Hisoka. "Alluka still has a brain and Killua's love."

 _Then I'll get rid of her._ But that wouldn't solve the problem, would it? It wouldn't make Killua love him.

"Why—" Illumi choked out. "Why am I useless? Why am I not worth it? Why don't I matter? Why am I unloved? What did I do wrong? I've done everything they've ever asked, everything they've ever wanted, I've tried and I try and I will always try and—it's not enough. Why?" The words came out, exhausting him. He doubled over again. "I've done everything for them—for the business. I've lied, I've cheated, I've let people die, I had sex with people i didn't even like to earn their trust, I only ever did what they asked me to do, what I thought they wanted, and _still_."

_Why? Why? Why why why whywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywh y w hy w h y?_

_What more can I do?_

"Am I that deficient?" He turned to Hisoka. "Tell me."

"I think your parents are pieces of shit," said Hisoka. "Though I'm not one to talk. But yeah. You're that deficient because all you think about is what your parents want and not what you want. If you want to love Killua, if you want him to love you, love him and maybe let him use his own brain as he clearly wants to do instead of trying to control him."

 _Killua_ — _wants_ —"What if it's too late? And what if I don't know how?"

Hisoka shrugged. "Who knows?"

Rage buzzed inside him. "You're deficient because all you think about is what you want," Illumi snapped. "What about what I want?"

"I thought we just established you want things you don't have and you're very out of touch with what you want."

"You're out of touch with it too," Illumi retorted. "You don't want fun nearly as much as you think." _You want to feel alive_.

 _I know, because that's all I want to_. That's why he wanted to be loved. To feel alive.

"Incorrect. You're just fun for me."

Calm spread through Illumi. _Liar_. "You're here because you want to be. You don't know how to care so you rationalize it."

Hisoka cocked his head. "That's an interesting assessment."

"It's correct." Whether or not Hisoka realized it.

Hisoka didn't respond, and Illumi studied his floor, perfectly clean. He felt filthy, covered in some kind of thick grime he couldn't scrub off. Illumi buried his face in his hands. "I... don't know what to do." He hated himself for saying those words, the words his father told him never to say because there was always a solution. But if there was one now, he couldn't see it. He could only feel handcuffs on his wrists, digging into the skin. "It's too late."

"Probably."

 _Killua, please give me another chance._ But… "If I stop trying to control Killua in order to get him to love me isn't that controlling too? Just different?" There was no way out of this cycle. It robbed him of his breath. Illumi wanted to scream, but he couldn't muster the air. Something clunked downstairs.

"This isn't fun to listen to anymore," Hisoka said, rubbing his temples.

"I used to be able to make him stop crying," Illumi said sadly. He pinched his hair. "When he was about two. He would stop crying when I held him. And then Dad told me to stop having him so dependent on me." But he'd never really stopped, had he? "So I let him cry it out. We played games together and then—they had to have a purpose, for Kil to learn. Dad would make me discipline him when he did something naughty and I never hated Dad when he punished me so—maybe—I thought he wouldn't—is that why?"

"He's. Not. You," stated Hisoka.

_Killua's not the one who doesn't deserve to have friends._

_That's me._

"Why even bother then?" Illumi asked. "If there's no hope?"

"Something else exciting might come around the corner?" Hisoka offered.

Illumi scowled. He squeezed his eyes shut. _Someone love me. Someone love me. Anyone_. _What's wrong with me? Why did_ — _why am I_ —A hot teardrop rolled down his face again. He felt empty.

A hand landed on his shoulder. Again. Again. Hisoka, awkwardly and comically patting his shoulder. Illumi turned to glare at him. "Knock it off."

"Thank you," said Hisoka in relief, withdrawing.

Illumi noticed something in his other hand. "Were you _recording_ this?"

"You'll thank me later."

"I will not! Delete that!" At least anger felt familiar. His phone buzzed. Illumi yanked it out. If it was his parents—

It wasn't. It was Kalluto.

_I'm tailing Killua. He's doing something royally stupid w Leorio but don't worry I'll take care of it. We'll be back as soon as possible._

"What the what?" Illumi exploded. They— _what?_

"Oh God, what now?" complained Hisoka. "I'm never getting laid."

Illumi flipped him off. He dialed Kalluto. Straight to voicemail. Killua, too. He raced down the stairs. Kurapika was asleep on the couch, but Leorio was gone. Illumi swore. He charged up the stairs and flung open Alluka's door. Alluka was curled up under the covers, but the goddamn window was fucking _open_. Illumi raced back down the stairs.

"What the hell?" Kurapika sat up, rubbing his eyes. "Is Gon—"

"I haven't heard, but where are Killua and Leorio?" demanded Illumi. He grabbed Kurapika by his collar.

"I have no idea," snapped Kurapika. His eyes darted around.

"What's all this ruckus?" complained Milluki, emerging from the basement. "Can't a man get any sleep?"

Illumi thrust his phone at Milluki with Kalluto's message. _This is it. I'm really losing custody now_. _Any chance I have of bonding again with Killua will be ruined then._

Kurapika called Leorio. No answer. Kurapika swore. He called the hospital, asking if he could visit. The nurse informed him visitors were not allowed. But Illumi already knew, somehow, that they weren't there.

"Did they say anything?" Illumi shouted. "Kurapika, you—"

"Am I the only person who remembers there is someone else in this house who's shared a room with Killua?" asked Hisoka, rolling his eyes. "Or are you all truly that dense?"

 _Alluka_.


	9. Monsters

****

Illumi flung the door open. Alluka curled up under her blankets, a soft rag doll clutched to her chest as she slept. Illumi flicked the light on. She didn't stir. Illumi approached, reaching his hand out to shake her.

Alluka shrieked. She jerked away, sitting up and clutching her doll to her chest.

"It's just me, Alluka," Illumi tried to reassure her. _Please don't try to get my liver today._

Alluka cowered, but her eyes focused on Illumi's face. She recognized him, but still, her complexion stayed the pallor of milk and her knuckles blanched as she squeezed the doll. She trembled.

"Did you have a nightmare?" Illumi tried. How was he supposed to interact with her? He didn't even know.

She shook her head. "Where's Killua?"

 _Dammit_. "That's why I came," said Illumi. "And what I wanted to ask you. We don't know where Killua's gone."

Alluka's eyes darted to Hisoka and Milluki, both in the doorway. Kurapika appeared, and relief saturated her features. Kurapika pushed his way in and sat down beside her.

_She's… afraid of me._

_My sister is afraid of me_. Not just afraid. She was terrified. Maybe it was just that she was still half-asleep?

But no. He knew. She was afraid of him. Shame crawled through Illumi like a sluggish worm, winding its way through his limbs, coiling in his stomach.

"Do you know where he is?" Hisoka asked, entering the room and leaning back against the wall.

"Kalluto said he might be in danger," Milluki put in.

Alluka shook her head, looking up at Kurapika. "I don't know."

"It's okay to say if you do know," Kurapika encouraged her. "You won't be in trouble."

Oh. A good idea. Illumi nodded. "You won't be." He eased himself down on the bed. Alluka flinched.

Illumi met Hisoka's eyes. Clearly he'd noticed. _I did this to my sister. I helped my parents do this to her_.

" _Killua's attachment to Alluka is a liability for him!" Dad fumed. "That little brat is going to destroy our entire family when he becomes Jack the Ripper by twelve!"_

Alluka hardly looked like a murderer. Even when she was railing about livers, if Illumi remembered correctly. She looked like a sleepy, scared twelve-year-old, worried for Killua just like he was.

 _I'm so sorry_.

"Alluka," Illumi managed, meeting her eyes. _Please_. "Killua and Leorio went somewhere, and Kalluto followed them and said it was dangerous, but he won't answer my calls. I want to save them. I don't want Killua getting hurt, or Kalluto, or even Leorio. I want to help them."

"I don't know where they went," Alluka whispered.

Why didn't his parents love Alluka?

_Because they only love Killua because of what he can offer them, the family, the name, the prestige, the reputation, the pride._

_They only love me for the same reasons. Milluki. Kalluto._ But he loved Killua no matter what he could offer the family. Kalluto. Milluki. Alluka… could he love her too? Did he deserve to even try?

"Okay," Illumi choked out.

Alluka blinked, as if surprised he hadn't yelled at her, told her she was useless. Illumi remembered Dad doing that, breaking Alluka's dollhouse by kicking it, stomping on it, and then Dad stopped, because he was afraid. He and Mom started locking their door, and then they locked Alluka up because that was easier.

Only Killua tried to reach her.

"We'll find him," Illumi insisted. "I promise, Alluka."

Alluka's mouth opened in a small 'o.' Kurapika cocked his head. "Wait," said Alluka. "I do—Killua did mention that he was—he and Gon and Leorio were—trying to get enough money to protect him." She pointed up at Kurapika.

"Huh?" Kurapika's jaw fell open. "What the—"

"Perhaps you want to tell the class about the dangerous happenings you've been up to lately," Hisoka said, pulling his keychain from his pocket and tossing it from hand to hand.

Kurapika's eyes narrowed. His nose wrinkled. "I—"

"Tell me," Illumi demanded.

"But why would they intervene?" Kurapika burst out. "I don't understand; it doesn't have to do with them!"

"Because you're their friend," said Alluka, beaming at him.

Kurapika's mouth hung open. His eyes flickered scarlet for a moment. He swallowed.

"Well?" Illumi asked, struggling to maintain his patience. Kurapika was not family. "Where are they?"

"You don't need to ask him," said Hisoka. "They went to talk to the ant crew, didn't they? You actually did it, didn't you, Kurapika?"

Kurapika's face flushed. He studied his shoes.

"I was intrigued to see how far he'd go to get revenge on Chrollo," said Hisoka, gesturing. "Did you really hire them to kill him?"

_Great. I now have a murderous juvenile under my roof. Another one.  
_

"He stole everything!" Kurapika burst out. "He—"

"I don't know; I kind of think you could still go outside," Hisoka mused, tapping his chin with a nail. He directed his gaze towards Alluka. Kurapika's jaw tightened.

"They're going to ask them to stop?" Illumi asked.

"Pay them off, it sounds like," Hisoka confirmed.

"Well shit," said Milluki. Illumi glared at him. Not in front of Alluka.

But they'd go this far to protect a friend from their own stupidity? Illumi didn't understand, not exactly, but he knew he would go that far to protect Killua. He gestured to Kurapika. "Get up. We're going. Milluki, watch Alluka."

Alluka smiled at Milluki, who just looked stunned.

"Is this how Gon got hurt?" asked Milluki.

Illumi and Hisoka both turned to Kurapika, whose jaw hung open. "I—I—"

"What a great friend you are," taunted Hisoka.

"At least I _have_ them, dumbass!"

"If you swear in front of Alluka again—" Illumi started, dragging Kurapika towards the stairs. He shoved him into the backseat of the car and jumped in, twisting the keys in the ignition. Hisoka got in the passenger seat. Kurapika doubled over, his fists clutching his knees. "Really? Murder?"

"If someone killed your family, or ruined them and they died, how would you feel?" Kurapika burst out. "How would you feel, Illumi Zoldyck?"

Illumi clutched the steering wheel. _I'd want to kill them._

He thought of Killua, and Alluka. They just wanted to get away. They were better than him.

"I just want them back," Kurapika choked out.

"Too bad; they're dead," said Hisoka.

Kurapika hit Hisoka in the back of the head. Hisoka just laughed and kept typing the address into his phone for Illumi to find. "I love them—I need to—I miss—"

"You're lonely," stated Illumi, eyes flicking to the rearview mirror. His fingers felt cold again. Y _ou prefer the company of ghosts to people. Your friends._

_Why are you so loyal to people who can't love you anymore?_

He thought of his parents, and nausea gurgled inside his stomach. _I can't be too late to stop Killua and Leorio and Kalluto. Please._

"Are you going to call the police on me?" asked Kurapika.

Hisoka let out a laugh.

"No," said Illumi. He'd had enough of cops. "I'm going to make you stop, though."

"Can you bring them back?" Kurapika asked, voice strained.

Illumi thought of Alluka inching away from him again. Was there a way to fix that? What if there wasn't? What if, forever, he was unloved because of his parents, because of what he'd done? _Why? Why is it impossible? I can't stand this feeling_.

 _I'm so alone_. _I'm pathetic. I'm worthless._

The care wound down a side street. Trash cans overflowed along the sides, and a broken window glinted. Paint peeled from the sides of buildings. Illumi stopped the car and slipped out. His heart pounded. Hisoka gestured to an off-white building at the end. Illumi reached for his pocket, where he kept a pocket-knife just in case. The hair on the back of Illumi's neck prickled.

Illumi slid along the wall, reaching for the door. It was unlocked. Great. Illumi shoved it open and entered what looked like an abandoned warehouse, metal shelves empty or covered with hanging, dusty strips of cloth. A phone flashlight glowed from across the room.

"Oh shit," said a voice.

"Killua!" Relief shot through Illumi. He raced towards his brother, footsteps echoing. "Kil, you—"

 _"Why are you here?"_ Killua demanded, stepping in front of Leorio.

Illumi skidded to a stop. Killua's eyes quivered. His hand outstretched in front of Leorio, as if protecting his much taller and older friend. His lips drew taught with unspoken things.

_You… you're afraid._

_Of me?_

"You scared me," Illumi eked out.

 _You're afraid of me. Just like Alluka is_. Was he really so terrible?

"Go away," Killua told him.

"No. You're scaring Alluka—she's worried—"

"Like you care!" Killua shouted. "It's rich, so rich, don't you think, Illumi? Now you care about Alluka when you can use her—"

 _Because all I do is use. That's all I know how to do._ Illumi's mouth opened, but he couldn't come up with words. _Please. Speak more. Yell at me. At least then, you're less afraid of me. At least them, I have hope._

"You two are fucking idiots!" Kurapika shouted. "What are you thinking? The ant crew will eat you alive, you—"

"I don't know, you seem to be quite chummy with them!" Killua shot back.

"Kurapika," said Leorio. "We're trying to help you. You'll regret this. It's not bringing you any happiness or any peace—"

"You're not me! And if you wanted to stop me, if you really cared, why didn't you just _talk_ to me instead of running around putting yourselves in danger?" bellowed Kurapika. His hands tightened in fists at his side. His breaths came ragged.

"Because you don't listen," offered Leorio.

Kurapika's chest heaved. Sweat ran down his face.

"I know I'm not you," snapped Leorio. "I don't know what you feel like. But I know that I don't want my friend to turn into a murderer because you're better than that. You'd never forgive yourself, and you would regret it—"

"I have to—I can't do—nothing—"

 _Useless_. The word echoed again and again in Illumi's mind. Was it so bad? To be useless? Was living, just living, useless anyways?

Living as a puppet—what if _that_ was useless? Illumi's own hands shook.

"Don't we matter to you?" Leorio yelled. "Me? Killua? Gon? We care about you too, Kurapika! We _love_ you! Don't we matter at all? Don't we matter? Or is it just the dead who matter to you? Why then are you trying to keep us alive by coming here? Why are you so stupid?"

" _I'm_ stupid?" Kurapika demanded.

"Yes," said Killua. "You are. You're our friend. We love you. Why isn't that enough?"

Kurapika's face looked ashen. He shook his head. Tears wriggled out from his eyes. "I don't—know."

"We want to help you," said Leorio.

"By controlling—"

"Protecting—"

"It's not different—"

"Isn't it? Isn't it?" shouted Killua. Illumi felt as if his face was burning off, watching this, and yet he wanted it, he was envious, he wanted to bathe himself in this conversation, however shameless it was.

"I failed them!" Kurapika cried out, doubling over again. "I _failed_ them, I left, I lied and snuck out—if I'd been there that night, Dad might not have drunk—I—I want to make it up to them, I want to make it right, I want to—" His chest heaved.

 _You think you're a bad son,_ Illumi thought. _Maybe you were._

"Kurapika, please," Leorio whispered.

Killua stepped closer. "If Gon were here, he'd tell me to hug you," he said, reaching out and putting his hand on Kurapika's shoulder. "But I'm not Gon."

Kurapika looked up, his eyes swollen and red. He blinked.

Leorio grabbed both Killua and Kurapika in an embrace. Hisoka recorded in the background. Illumi stared. _Why?_

"What are you doing here?" demanded a voice. Illumi whirled, grabbing his pocket knife. A boy with green skin and a girl whose gaze fixated past Illumi stood there, hands clasped. Two large duffel bags hung from the boy's shoulder.

"Meruem," said Kurapika.

The boy studied them.

"We want to pay you to call off the attack you'd planned," Killua interjected, stepping on front of Kurapika.

"Attack?" asked the girl quietly. A blind girl, Illumi realized.

"Who's this?" asked Leorio.

"My girlfriend," answered Meruem. "We're getting out of here. Out of—this place. This city. There's nothing for us here except the same cycle—"

"Where are you going? The woods to find yourself?" quipped Hisoka.

"I don't know," answered the girl. "But wherever he goes, I feel like I'm at home."

 _Where is Kalluto?_ Illumi texted Kalluto. _We got Killua._

No response.

"They're already gone," Meruem told them. "I only told Pitou that we were planning to leave-—the others don't approve—Pitou said they'd make the mission extra long to distract—"

"His house isn't far from here," said Hisoka. "I already texted Chrollo, which I hope you know was a massive sacrifice."

Kurapika shook from head to toe. "I—don't want to be a murderer."

 _Should have thought of that earlier_. "They're not going to Chrollo's house, are they?"

"No," said Meruem. The kid's clothes stuck to him, grimy. _You have nothing, do you_?

Kurapika blanched.

 _You wanted them to die. The people he cares about._ Just like Kurapika had lost his family thanks to Chrollo being selfish. Not that Illumi had blamed him at the time. He thought of the elderly couple crying in his office, the office he hadn't been in since this started. Denying them helped his business, helped his family business, helped his family, killed him.

_Why don't I feel anything? Am I so far gone?_

He hated this storm in his head, the incessant raining of thoughts, the way they blew around, rattling his mind. He wanted to shake it out of his skull, free himself. He met Kurapika's eyes. "Let's go."

"I can call them," said Meruem. "If you want. Pay them extra, not me. Komugi and I are out."

It'd be nice to turn and run, forget it all, have an ability to start fresh. But Illumi didn't want to shake off his family. He loved them.

"Why are you helping?" Kurapika asked, hair shrouding his eyes.

"Because—" Leorio started.

"Not you." He turned to Illumi.

"For my brother," Illumi said. The words stuck in his throat. "Because you're his friend."

Killua's jaw dropped.

"You're coming," Illumi added, pointing at Killua and Leorio.

The car ride was silent with the exception of Kurapika crying in the backseat, Leorio holding him. Killua avoided meeting Illumi's gaze in the rearview mirror.

The problem was figuring out which houses Pitou and the others would go to. Chrollo had a small group of reporters who worked with him, all thieves of information and not above anything to get the right kind of story. And yet. Chrollo cared about them. Like Mereum, as far as Illumi knew Chrollo came from nothing. And Kalluto must have figured it out. But Kurapika was an idiot who couldn't remember or think of where they might go. Illumi gripped the wheel in panic. If Kalluto—

"They're having a meeting right now," said Hisoka, not even glancing up from his phone. "You didn't think I wouldn't have figured out a way to have continuous access to Chrollo's phone, did you?"

"You're a creep," said Killua.

"You just don't like that I'm doing your brother."

Killua covered his ears with his hands. Illumi glared at Hisoka. "One more word and I'm kicking you out of the car."

"Ooh, scary. I'd like to see you try."

"There are kids in this car, Hisoka!"

Even Kurapika had stopped crying enough to gape at them.

"Anyways, it's at Machi's. You're welcome," said Hisoka.

"Thank you," Illumi said.

Kurapika bit down on his knuckles. Hisoka stared out the window, his jaw set as the buildings and traffic lights whirred past. Illumi pulled up in front of Machi's address. Machi had been a nursing student in university and was Hisoka's favorite person to annoy. Illumi hadn't given her a second thought since graduating.

"Do we wait outside?" asked Leorio. "Or just go in there and check on them?"

"I'll check on them," said Illumi. "Kurapika, you're coming in too." He presumed that meant Leorio was coming too. Kurapika hung his head. "Hisoka—"

"I'll babysit your brother and watch out for your other edgelord brother and also some assassins." Hisoka produced a stack of cards. "Should be fun."

"Hey!" Killua bellowed.

Illumi stepped out of the car into the crisp night air. Stars twinkled above, dark clouds twisted and reaching to cloak the moon. And that's when he spotted a dark figure darting across the yard. Illumi took off.

"Illumi!" bellowed Leorio, but Illumi reached the figure first. Pitou whirled around, their eyes sparking. A knife glinted in their hands, and as Illumi grabbed the kid, he realized oil coated Pitou's hands.

_The brakes._

_Really? You're that cliche?_

Illumi grabbed the knife with his hand and twisted it out. The blade sliced into his flesh. Warm blood poured down his arm.

"Let go!" shouted Pitou. "You fucking—"

"Shut up, you—"

"Stop!" cried Kurapika.

The door flew open. Light poured onto the lawn, illuminating Illumi holding a kicking and bucking Pitou, Hisoka holding a crying blond boy, and Killua knocking a muscular bald boy down to the grass. Kurapika gaped and Leorio rubbed the back of his skull as Chrollo stormed out. "What in the hell is going on?"

Behind him appeared Machi, Feitan, Shalnark, and the rest. And. _Kalluto_.

"What are you doing here?" Illumi demanded. "Kalluto, I've been looking all over for—"

"Oh, you remembered me?" asked Kalluto, crossing his arms.

"He's been working for me," said Chrollo.

 _He's been… I know._ Illumi was not amused that Chrollo said it like it was a trump card.

"I knew Killua wanted to stop him from getting everyone killed," said Kalluto. "So I've been sneaking around and exchanging information on the ant crew for them to protect Kil—"

"Amusing you snipped the brake lines," said Chrollo. "Good thing we were recording it all."

"Is that something you actually want to hand over to the cops though?" asked Illumi as Pitou kicked him in the shins. He held the kid away from him. "Considering what you did to his family?"

"Since when do you care about that?"

 _I don't._ Except he cared about Killua, and Killua cared about Kurapika.

"How can you not care?" exploded Kurapika. "You—I lost—because of you—how would you like it if you lost every single person you cared about? If you lost all your subordinates? Or do you really think you're so special it doesn't matter what you do because you're entitled to—"

Chrollo stepped towards him, hands in his coat pocket. "Do you think you're so special that you can pass judgment and kill—"

"I hate you!" Kurapika yelled, voice raw. He doubled over. "I just—I want them back-"

"No, you don't," said Chrollo. "You want to see me suffer more than you want anything else. Otherwise you would have—"

"Shut up! I want them back!"

"You can't have them back. It is what it is."

"Well, I want them!" Kurapika glared.

"Well, I can't do anything about it." Chrollo clenched his fists.

"So what?" asked Leorio. "He's our friend. Even if he's fucking up right now. We still care about him."

 _How?_ Illumi didn't understand. Well-no matter what Killua did wrong, he would—but he's always performed. _I don't know how to_ _—be._

I'm _afraid._ Illumi loathed that thought. It stuck to him like gum. Pitou finally stopped struggling.

"I'm not interested in pressing charges," said Chrollo. "I am going to write an article, though. I'm sure everyone will be happy to know your role in this, Illumi."

"He had none," choked out Kurapika. "It was—me. And Meruem, but they're gone—"

"What?" yelped the blond boy Hisoka was holding. "They can't be gone!"

"You're stupid for not realizing he and Komugi were running away together," Pitou said, voice bored.

"No!" The boy clutched his face. He screamed. Clouds parted over the moon, drenching them all in silver blood.

"Fine," Illumi said, heart pounding. He thought of Biscuit Krueger. He heard his parents then. His father's voice, commanding. _Take the blame_. "Write that I had—it was my idea to lock Alluka up, it was my idea to—it wasn't—"

"Liar!" yelled Killua. " _No_. Illumi—" His brother's voice strained.

Illumi turned to look at Killua. His grip loosened on Pitou. Fury soaked Killua's tone. His eyes glittered in the moonlight. Tears. His brother was crying, and he glared at Illumi like he was a traitor. Like Illumi had broken a promise, a promise to protect him, to make him the best he could be.

" _I'll make sure you're the best," Illumi said his brother when Killua was about seven months old and kept falling down. "You'll learn to walk. I promise. I know you're going to be exceptional, because you already are the best a Zoldyck can be."_

_Killua just stared up at him, big blue eyes unblinking._

He promised. _If I say this, what happens to Alluka?_ He could practically feel Killua's anxiety pressing down. And he was causing it. This distress. It was on him.

_He's not you._

"No," Illumi said. "Actually, that's a lie. My _parents_ locked up my sister."

Killua's jaw dropped.

"They want me to lie and take the blame for them. I'll give you the details you want and you can publish your story." _I knew, though. I did know_.

"Well," said Hisoka. "If it helps, I may have recorded that conversation with your parents."

Illumi swallowed. He could only imagine Killua's reaction to hearing about _that_ conversation.

"And what?" asked Chrollo. "In return, you'll keep Barbie from murdering me?"

"I'm pretty sure he doesn't have the spine," Illumi remarked. Kurapika was sobbing.

"And as for these kids?" asked Hisoka, nodding at Pitou, who glowered at him.

Illumi swallowed. He was not looking forward to calling Biscuit Krueger.


	10. Begin

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! Last chapter :)

"You realize this doesn't look good. At all."

Illumi just met her gaze. The bright lights of the police station annoyed him. He wished he could throw a needle and shatter the bulbs. "I'm telling the truth; shouldn't you be happy?"

"Well, let's see. You took in a kid who tried to murder a group of people. You admitted to knowing your parents were abusing your sister and doing nothing about it. You—"

"How much of that didn't you already know?" Illumi cocked his head. "You're smarter than you look, and if I'm not incorrect, that's deliberate."

Biscuit arched her eyebrows. "Fair enough. I knew already. Most of this. Not Kurta's murder problem."

"Is he going to jail?" asked Illumi.

"Do you care?"

Not exactly, but then again, he didn't want Killua to be sad.

"No, Chrollo declined to press charges and we can't prove anything."

Of course. Chrollo was probably happy to destroy his family and Ging Freecss while he was at it. And Illumi was helping him do it. His throat tightened. He wanted to scream.  _Mom_ _—Dad_ _—why_ _—don't you love me? Why wasn't I enough? I did everything right._ He knew it, and still, the wound bled.

"We are mandating therapy though," said Biscuit. "In fact, if you want to keep your siblings under your roof, you're all getting therapy. All of you except Milluki because we can't mandate it for him, but if he does, it will help your case."

"So I can keep them?" Illumi asked, heart pounding. He thought—he thought—if they can stay under his roof—

"Yes, for now, but you're getting frequent check ups from me," stated Biscuit.

Illumi nodded. "Okay."

"No protests?" Biscuit shuffled her papers. "Can't say I'm not surprised."

 _I just_ _—I love them. I want them. I want to protect the family I have left. Because I love them_.

"You can go now," she informed him.

Illumi rose and left. He found Hisoka out in the waiting room looking bored as hell even with a sullen Killua, a crying Kurapika, Leorio with his arms around his blond friend, and Kalluto aggressively folding paper fans. "Let's go."

"You're not in prison," Hisoka remarked. "I'm impressed."

"You're still here. I'm impressed and annoyed," Illumi responded.

Kurapika stood in the back, uncertain. Illumi glared at him. "Come on."

"You're still—letting me come?" asked Kurapika.

"Not for your sake," Illumi replied. Killua glanced at him. Kalluto scowled, rubbing at his eyes.

The drive home was silent. Peach dawn glowed over the treetops, casting a shimmer over the damp road. Pitou and the other two were remanded to foster care. Illumi couldn't bring himself to ask where they were going. He had no idea what was going to happen when he walked in that door and they could all finally open their mouths. Would they? What could he even say? Did this make up for any of what he had done to Alluka, to Killua? Or was it still too late? Maybe he should just keep quiet.

_I'm scared._

He still felt a sting on his cheek from where his father would surely slap him if he knew of Illumi's thoughts. Fear wasn't something he was allowed to feel. And yet, fear pulled his puppet strings. It always had been. He became fear.

Illumi pulled up in front of the house. He unlocked the door, feeling dread in every motion. Inside, he found Alluka asleep on the couch, Milluki snoring in an armchair. Alluka leaped to her feet when Killua tapped her on the nose. " _Onii-chan!"_ She clung to him. Killua wrapped his arms around her, squeezing his eyes shut. Kalluto let out a huff and turned to storm towards his room.

"You're not going anywhere," said Illumi.

"Huh?" Kalluto looked at him.

Illumi held him by the back of his shirt. "You're staying here. We're having a—family meeting."

"I don't want to," said Kalluto.

"I don't care."

"Can we have coffee first?" whined Milluki.

"No." At this point, Illumi just liked saying that. Leorio grabbed Kurapika, pulling him back.

"I for one am staying," declared Hisoka, settling onto the floor. "This could be interesting."

Illumi ignored him. He sat on the couch, on the opposite end from Killua and Alluka, who both shied away from him. Kalluto stood with his arms crossed and a deep scowl set into his face. He was too young to make that face.

"We've been mandated to get family therapy," Illumi said. "Mom and Dad aren't getting custody back. Ever. The police know everything."

Alluka blinked. Illumi swallowed and forced himself to meet her eyes. "They won't hurt you anymore."

"So to keep us we need to talk to some stupid shrink about how we feel?" demanded Kalluto. Hisoka covered his mouth, snorting.

"Yes. Unless you'd rather go into a foster home." Illumi glanced at Killua. He wouldn't, would he?

He might. Illumi gulped.

"Why did you run off today, anyways?" demanded Killua, looking at Kalluto. Kalluto's eyes lit up, burning magenta. "You were really working with the spiders?"

Kalluto nodded.

"Are you stupid? That's—"

Kalluto's chin trembled.

"There are better ways—you could just talk to—"

"I paid them to protect you because I knew you were being a dumbass and trying to protect your friend!" shouted Kalluto. "The friend you actually cared about enough to notice something was wrong—you never noticed—me—you only cared about Alluka! It's always Alluka, Alluka, Alluka, but—I—paid attention—I—" Kalluto lunged, reaching out as if to hit Alluka. Killua grabbed Kalluto's wrists. Kalluto screamed.

Illumi made no move towards them. He couldn't. His chest felt as if rocks were piling up inside it.

"I dressed like her—I did everything—I just wanted—" Kalluto gasped.

Killua shook him. "Hit me if you have to hit someone!"

"No!" Kalluto looked horrified.

"This is all—Mom and Dad." Killua glared. "You had them! You had Mom's devotion, you had—you could go outside, you could ask for things, you could leave! Alluka had nothing and no one!"

"You saw how they treated her!" Kalluto yelled. "What kind of devotion can I even—could I even—" He stopped. His voice cracked, and he covered his eyes. A messy sob broke through.

He's ten years old. Illumi wanted to reach for him. He's his brother. But Kalluto wanted Killua. If he'd said anything about Alluka, Mom would have turned on him, and she was the only… Illumi swallowed.

"Why did you leave us?" Kalluto wailed. "Why didn't I matter to you? We're your family!"

Killua looked horrified. But he's only fourteen. Illumi curled his fists. Hisoka produced his phone and Illumi shot him a look that threatened his life.

But Killua reached out, and folded his arms around Kalluto. Kalluto hesitated, and then wilted, sobbing as he clung to Killua. And Killua just looked lost, confused, like a child.

"I missed you," Alluka said quietly.

Kalluto sniffled, looking up, his entire eyes swollen and red now. They'd been close, as children. Illumi remembered them playing together as toddlers, both chasing Killua around as Illumi watched. And then Alluka's instability started poking out, jarring everything, all the set up, all the neat order the family followed. And now it had finally come crashing down. Kalluto blinked.

Alluka threw her arms around Kalluto, and the tightness in Illumi's throat and chest snapped. He turned away.

"Shit," said Milluki.

Illumi realized everyone was looking at him. He didn't know what to say, or what he  _could_  say. Words churned through his mind, slapping him because none of them were good enough—he was never good enough. Not to be the heir to the family business. Not to be their brother. He shook his head.

"Okay fine," said Hisoka with a sigh. He held up his phone. Illumi's voice filled the air.

"Hey!" Illumi shouted. "You kept that recording? Turn that off!"

"Illumi, I record you all the time. You're practically internet famous."

"Turn it  _off!"_  Illumi leaped to his feet. Killua just gaped.

"No," said Hisoka. "Not unless you actually want to say what you said earlier. Which I doubt very much since it was like you were dying trying to force it out of yourself."

Illumi felt as if fire spread through his veins. He heard his voice, crackling as he talked about Killua, about his parents, about—what he wanted. Illumi dropped onto the couch and buried his face in his hands. There was no other way, was there? They had to hear it. His eyes tickled. Something wet dropped between his fingers, onto his knees.  _Shit._

_I hate everything._

No. He didn't hate Killua. Or Kalluto, or Milluki, or Hisoka, or even Alluka, not anymore.

_I don't know how to live._

_I don't know how to be a good big brother to Killua, to Kalluto, to Alluka, to even Milluki._

_I'm broken._

_I want to die. I don't want this to be my life._

"Illumi," said Kalluto, the moment Hisoka switched it off.

_I'm so lonely._

"Illumi," said Milluki. "Yikes. Like, I didn't expect—"

"Oh shut up," snapped Killua.

Illumi stiffened. And then it was stinging his throat, scraping it. The words. The ones he'd been looking for.  _I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry._  Words, insufficient bandaids that couldn't mend Killua or Alluka or Kalluto. And he couldn't even say them. Because they were so flimsy. Alluka… she just wanted to be loved, too, didn't she? And she was locked up. Because they were afraid of her.  _I'm a monster._

"Aniki," said Kalluto, voice still trembling. "I care."

Illumi blinked. He lifted his face from his hands, wiping at his eyes. Kalluto twisted his kimono in his hands. "I... was wrong."  _I'm sorry I didn't act like I cared._

"Why did you try to control me?" asked Killua. "That makes me—not want to love you."

Illumi wanted to throw a needle at Hisoka now. The dumb clown just smirked. "I—don't want to risk losing you."  _I can't fathom what that would be like. But I've lost you, haven't I, anyways? Because of me._ The irony was suffocating. "If you were gone, I'd—"  _I thought I would lose hope._

_I would be unloved._

_I thought loving you, you loving me, would make Mom and Dad love me._

"You were the only one that made me think I was loved." And he clung to it. Those memories. Killua waking him up, worried. Killua stopping crying in his arms. Killua running towards him, chubby arms outstretched.

"You don't have to be so afraid of losing me," Killua said, voice rough. "I can't be what you want, but I'm still here. I just have friends, too."

Illumi nodded. "I'm going to—try to stop."  _I have to stop._

"I wish you wanted to be my friend," said Killua.

Illumi sucked in his breath. He turned to Killua. A friend and a brother? Someone who—like Leorio and Kurapika and Killua and Gon—risked it all for each other, but who laughed together, who enjoyed each other's company? "I do want to be," Illumi whispered.

"Well," said Killua, and then fell silent.

"Alluka," Illumi said, focusing on her behind Killua. Her blue eyes were wide, taking everything in. "I'm—so sorry." Finally. He could say it. But they were just words, paper phrases. He had to provide the foundation, make them real.  _Tell me what to do._

No one would. He had to figure it out himself. The thought was terrifying.

"If you knew what it was like to be controlled so much, why did you do the same to me?" demanded Killua. He wasn't looking at Illumi any more. His fists curled, like Illumi's did at times.

Killua was controlled, the weight of the world placed on his shoulders because he resembled their father in temperament and had his hair. Alluka couldn't be controlled so she was locked up. And Kalluto was forgotten. And Milluki spoiled. And him, broken, carved into a perfect son who still wasn't perfect enough and so they kept whittling until Illumi wasn't certain enough of him was left. Maybe therapy  _was_  a good idea for all of them.

"Is there anything you wouldn't do for Gon or for Kurapika or Leorio?" asked Illumi finally.

_I hurt Killua._

And it wasn't for his own good.  _It was_ _—for me. For them. For me, because I wanted_ _—I wanted_ —

Kalluto sniffled again, and Killua reached out and put his hand on Kalluto's shoulder. Kalluto's eyes lit up, and Illumi wished he was more like Killua. Alluka closed her eyes, drool dribbling down her chin.

"Okay," Illumi said. "New sleeping arrangements. Alluka, Killua, Kalluto, you take the room upstairs. Kurapika and Leorio, take the room downstairs. Milluki, enjoy your couch."

"We all need sleep," Milluki agreed, yawning. Kalluto looked hopefully up at Killua and Alluka.

"Obviously we share," purred Hisoka.

Illumi waited until they were upstairs to kick him.

"What was that for? I'm helping you!"

"You're helping yourself," Illumi countered, shutting the bedroom door. "I have no idea what you're getting out of it, though. Misery doesn't usually excite you."

"Mmph." Hisoka lay back on the bed. Illumi's eyelids felt heavy, swollen, weighted down. "You like me being here."

"You are delusional," Illumi remarked, climbing under the covers.

"But you do. I know. I can tell."

"And what, you want to see why?" Illumi asked.  _Because you have no other meaning to your life_. He needed pleasure to survive, little bursts of life, adventure and fun before dying. Two could play this investigative game, though. Illumi allowed his breathing to slow. Before he actually fell asleep, he rolled over to leave his hand just barely brushing Hisoka's elbow. Hisoka didn't move.

He woke to the sound of the doorbell. Bleary-eyed, Illumi fumbled for his phone. Eleven in the morning. He scrambled down the stairs. Probably it was Biscuit Krueger. Hopefully not to take them away.

The door flew open before Illumi could even reach it. He skidded to a halt, heart sticking to his chest, windpipe to his throat, air swelling. His father stood there, mother behind him, weeping from behind her ever-present glasses. Dad clutched a small silver key in his hand.

Of course. He had a key to Illumi's place the whole time. Illumi was not surprised. And yet it still prickled, and that surprised him. "You're not allowed to be here."

"You disappoint me," stated Dad.

"I'm aware," Illumi heard himself say.

"Let us in, Illumi, please," begged Mom.

Illumi didn't understand. "You're already inside."

"I want to see—I need to talk to Killua, to Kalluto—I need to—"

"But—"

"We've been informed we're going to be arrested later today, because you lied to—"

"I didn't lie," Illumi stated. Words scraped his throat as he forced them out. He felt like he would throw up.  _Love me. Love me._  But he couldn't see his mother's eyes and his father's face was so cold. It was the face he tried to imitate forever. It was the face he was making now. Expressionless, because he didn't know how to converse without it. He thought of his talk with Killua, Kalluto, Alluka. He'd said he was sorry to Alluka.

_True or lie?_

_I want it to be true._ Illumi opened his mouth. "If you didn't want to be punished, then why did you lock Alluka up?"

"He is a—"

"She," Illumi said. The clock ticked and tocked in the background. "Alluka is a she." Y _ou don't even know that, do you? You don't even know her._

_Neither do I._

"It doesn't matter," said Dad. "The point is, for the good of the family, we don't spill our secrets. You knew that, Illumi. Of all my children, you were always the most obedient—"

_Love me. Love me._

_Please?_

His mother looked past him, looking for Killua.

"But—that was all you wanted from me," Illumi stated. He looked down at his feet, bare, cold on the wooden floor.  _You didn't want my love. You didn't care_.

 _You don't love me_. And he had no answers for it.  _You only see me as an extension of yourself, a leg on a monster, a cog in a machine._

"Illumi!" shrieked his mother. She reached for him. Illumi couldn't push her away. His body hurt. His arms trembled.

 _I want to matter._ He thought he could only matter to Killua, to the family, but he wanted more. He heard a crunching sound in the bedroom. Kurapika and Leorio were certainly awake now, listening. A creak echoed on the staircase.

"I'm going to raise them," said Illumi. "Killua. Kalluto. Alluka." He'd take in Gon Freecss if they'd let him again.

"You will not," Dad said. "You will call Biscuit Krueger and state that you were lying—"

"But I wasn't lying. Not then."  _It's true, it's true. I'll make it true. I'll be sorry._

Dad's eyes narrowed. He towered over Illumi. "Yes. You were."

Illumi felt small again, like a child. His hair dangled down his back, smooth like Dad taught him.  _If you're going to have long hair, you need to take care of it. You didn't as a kid._ "I wasn't."

"Killua will just run away from you again!" shrieked Mom. "He is so bitter with you, Illumi, because of you raising—"

"You're the one he's most angry with," Dad agreed. "Is that a lie? Wasn't it just jealousy, a desperation to control some of the business that you lost because you simply weren't as talented despite being the eldest?"

Illumi's heart pounded. He couldn't speak. Because it wasn't a lie. Even after their conversation.  _I hurt Killua most_.

"You're a disgrace," Dad said. "You're no better than Alluka, and you're an abusive—"

"I rather think it takes one to know one," said Illumi.

Dad struck him then. The blow stung. Blood dripped down Illumi's face, warm. It splattered onto the floorboards. "You," Dad seethed. "Are not my son if you continue to have that attitude."

"I don't think genetics work that way," drawled a voice from the corner.

Illumi lifted his head. Hisoka leaned against the rail for the staircase, smirking. Illumi caught a glimpse of Milluki, hiding on the basement staircase. Afraid.

"You must be that clown," stated Dad. "That hedonistic fool."

Hisoka arched his eyebrows and rubbed his chin, long nails scratching. "Hisoka Morow. I'm afraid you're rather less interesting than I'd hoped. That being said, if you ever want to spar, you know where to find me, since you seem to have heard all about me."

"What are you doing?" Illumi asked Hisoka.

"My future in-laws don't like me, Illumi," said Hisoka. "Heartbreaking."

Dad's face turned purple. Illumi contemplated killing Hisoka. Mom let out a cry. "Illumi—"

"We—" started Illumi.  _Are not engaged? Have only had sex once? Have not even tried to define the relationship?_ Then again he wasn't sure they needed to. Whatever it was, it was. Mutually beneficial. Hisoka was the one helping him find his siblings and keep them, after all. Illumi closed his mouth. Hisoka grinned, eyes sparking gold.

"You're dating him?" hissed Dad.

"Yes," said Illumi, heartbeat slowing.  _I suppose._

"Now please leave," said Hisoka, flicking his hand. "Or else I'll have to call Ms. Krueger to protect my siblings… in-law."

"You can't trust him, Illumi!"

Not at all. But he knew Hisoka, and could read him. Illumi cocked his head. "Leave. I won't let you hurt Killua or Kalluto or Alluka again. I'll—get Alluka the help she needs."

"That thing is beyond help."

His heart pounded. Dad had said that. He had said that. For so many years. And now he knew.  _Not true._  "She's my sister," Illumi said.

Dad's hand rose again, and this time, before he struck Illumi, someone grabbed his wrist. Illumi's jaw fell open, true surprise whooshing through him.

Killua glared up at their father. "Leave him alone."

"Killua!" cried Mother, reaching for him.

Killua shoved her away. The door opened, and now Kurapika and Leorio came into the room, Kurapika's eyes still flaming red after probably crying for hours. Milluki emerged. Footsteps pounded down the stairs, and Kalluto and Alluka both stood there, clad in pajamas.

"You leave Illumi alone," said Killua. "Leave us all alone. Leave Alluka alone. Leave Kalluto alone. Leave Milluki alone and for  _God's_  sake leave me alone."

"Son," Father started. "Illumi is the one who—"

"Shut up!" screamed Killua. "Because of you, because of you, because of  _you!_  I don't want to take over your business! I want to—I want to—I don't know what I want to do!" He gripped his hair.

Father laughed.

"But I know I want to be with my friends," continued Killua. "And I want to—protect Alluka. And I want to get to know Kalluto and Milluki. And I want to try with Illumi because he's not as broken as you think."

Illumi just gaped.

"And his clown boyfriend's annoying and disgusting but he's not trying to control me," added Killua. Hisoka guffawed.

"Get out," Illumi said again.  _True, true, true. I want them to leave._

Not true. He wanted them to stay. But he wanted them to stay and love him, love them, but they wouldn't. And he wanted to cling to what he did have for love. His siblings.  _They are my family._

"Kalluto—" Mother wailed.

Alluka covered Kalluto's ears as his pink eyes filled with tears. And Kalluto held Alluka, glaring at his parents. Choice made. Again, Killua was saving him. "Get out," Illumi repeated. "Get out, now, or I'll call the police."

"I already have a number pulled up on my phone," said Milluki, holding up his phone. "Biscuit Krueger's personal number. Got you covered, Illumi."

 _Oh, that's right._  "And yes," added Illumi. "I know what you paid Milluki to do. Get out, and don't make me say it again."

Mother let out a cry. Father grabbed her. "Look at what you're doing, Illumi. You're hurting us!"

"Really, we're all doing it," said Killua. "Bye."

Illumi locked the door behind them and made a mental note to get the locks changed ASAP. His face burned and ached from his father's slap.  _This is it. They'll never forgive me for this. Never. I've cut myself off, forever._ He rested his forehead on the door.

"Thank you," he heard a voice say behind him, jolting him. Illumi turned. Killua met his eyes. "For standing up for Alluka."

Illumi nodded. The image of the key in his father's huge hand struck him again. Was this how he made Killua feel? His choices had never mattered, except for himself. "I'm sorry," he whispered, finally, to the brother he hurt most. But really, he hurt them all, didn't he? Except perhaps Milluki. Kalluto was ignored, Killua controlled, Alluka his sister abused. And hearing it out loud made it real, shone a light revealing his stains. "All of you. I am sorry."  _It's so hard to feel this way._  It was so much easier to be a puppet. "You're… braver than me, Kil." Because he was afraid of what was coming. It would hurt.

Kurapika and Leorio glanced at Killua, whose eyes grew huge. He took a step forward. Arms wrapped around Illumi's waist. Killua's. He was… hugging him?

Illumi didn't know what to do. It'd been so long. At least a decade. Maybe more. His hands hovered over Killua's back.  _What do I do?_

Killua pulled back and crossed his arms. Illumi swallowed. And then he gave Killua a small smile.

Alluka clapped her hands. "We should all play Shiratori!" She beamed at Kalluto. "And can you show me how to dress in that kimono?"

Kalluto blinked and nodded. Hisoka snorted.

"Later. Why don't we call the hospital?" asked Illumi. "Killua. We can find out how your friend's doing."

The nurse gave them good news: Gon was recovering. Visiting hours weren't until noon, though, and Ging Freecss still had not visited. Killua scowled when he heard that.

"We'll go," Illumi said. "I'll drive the four of you." He headed into the kitchen to make coffee. "We'll play Shiratori in the car."

Alluka clapped her hands.

"You know," said Hisoka's voice behind him. "That whole—confrontation with your parents—was hot."

"Hot like coffee," said Illumi, watching the brown liquid drip into the pot.

"Puns are not funny, Illumi. That was terrible." Hisoka looked offended

Illumi tossed his hair. "Yes, they are." He reached out and put his hand on Hisoka's hip, sliding lower.

"If this is your idea of flirting I'm out of here."

"No," said Illumi, the smell of coffee wafting up and energizing him. "We're too interesting. You don't want to leave."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I might do a sequel at some point just to check in and see what new fresh hell this household is up to, but we'll see!


End file.
